


Spain, Switzerland and... Somewhere else?

by dienalelija



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, Other, POV First Person, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-21 08:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6044764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dienalelija/pseuds/dienalelija
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla is an exchange student that Laura keeps bumping into whilst travelling. Just a lot of fluff, maybe a little bit of angst, but only a little bit! Laura's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Meeting (Laura-level awkward)

A girl was sitting at a table for two, by herself.  
Bathed in the dappled light of the sunshine beaming through the leaves of the trees around her, she had her head tilted to one side and an intense look of concentration on her face. Moving closer, I realised she was sketching something. A gentle breeze wafted some strands of her dark hair, revealing pale skin and a sharp jawline, sharper than a paper’s cut.  
_Breathe, Hollis. It’s just a girl. A rather attractive girl, but still just a girl. You can talk to a girl –_  
“¿Te puedo ayudar?” A low, husky voice broke through my internal motivational speech, and I froze. She had the most beautiful voice I had ever heard in my 21 years of life, and she was speaking to me. I tripped my way around her table to be met with a raised eyebrow, deep, smouldering eyes, a strong nose and a curved mouth that could melt marble. _Her voice matches her face… oh my…_ I blushed crimson, tongue useless and unable to form a word, let alone a sentence, in the face of such beauty.  
“¿Hola?” The girl snarked in an irritated tone, bringing me back to the painful reality of my inherent awkwardness.  
“Hola, Señora. No puedo… parler… no wait that’s French… inglés?” I closed my eyes with sheer mortification at my incompetence, only opening them when I heard a low chuckle.  
“Señorita.”  
‘Huh?” I gaped, clueless.  
“If you’re talking to someone my age – or trying to at least – it’s señorita,” The girl smirked. I opened and shut my mouth soundlessly, only managing stutters until I pulled myself together.  
“You… speak, English!”  
“Obviously,”  
“And you just sat there and let me… make a fool out of myself, why exactly?” I asked, now slightly pissed off.  
“You were trying so hard, and it was cute, cutie,” she husked, and suddenly all of my irritation dissolved. I grinned goofily, and she returned a small smile.  
“Venga,” she said suddenly, patting the seat next to her, “¡Miguel! Un chocolate, por fa. Y otro café,” she turned and hollered, somehow still managing to sound attractive. I perched on the seat next to her, bobbing my knee up and down anxiously. She picked up her pencil and started drawing again, seeming to retreat into her own little world that I had no part in.  
“So…” I started, trying to provoke conversation. Nothing. An arm appeared between us, attached to a very happy Spanish man.  
“H… hello,” he beamed as he set a large glass in front of me.  
“Gracias,” I smiled back, earning a nod from him and a smirk from the dark-haired girl next to me.  
“What?” I muttered, taking a sip of my drink when she apparently ignored me. “Oh my gosh, that is delicious,” I moaned, taking a huge gulp, missing the faint blush of dusty rose that appeared on her cheeks. A few minutes of silence later, I started rambling. I couldn’t help myself.  
“Thank you for the drink. Well, thank you for ordering it I mean, obviously I’ll pay. That sounds like I expected you to pay, I didn’t mean that! It’s the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had, and I’ve had it in Germany! Although, it tastes slightly different… oh no, you didn’t put something in it did you? You don’t look like you would but that doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t and oh no my dad is gonna be so mad…”  
“Cupcake.” A hand appeared on my arm, instantly shutting me up. A slight tingle ran through my nerves where the soft skin of her palm burned into my arm, and I coughed, trying to clear the lump in my throat that had suddenly appeared. She sighed and leaned back, I almost leaned forward, craving her touch, but I restrained myself. Just.  
“Since you seem hell-bent on talking, have at it, cutie. I’m listening,” she smiled, taking the sting out of her word. My mind went blank. Honestly, blanker than a blank page in a blank novel - blank.  
“Seriously?” she chuckled, “You ramble on when I’m silent, and when I ask you to talk, you’re quiet? Come on, sweetheart, I won’t bite… unless you ask me to,” she winked. Even more flustered now, I remained mute, unable to form a sentence whilst my brain was more pleasantly occupied with images of her biting me. I caught her roll her eyes, clearly losing interest, so I opened my mouth and willed something to come out. Anything. Anything at all, that would keep this woman wanting my company.  
“I once gave myself concussion,” I blurted. _Anything but that, Hollis._  
Her eyes widened, and then the peaceful air was shattered by peals of laughter. Her peals of laughter. She leant back, clutching her sides, and laughed until tears squeezed from underneath her eyelids. I watched her, spellbound, and instantly wanted nothing more than to make her laugh like that again. She wiped a few stray teardrops off her cheeks and regained her composure, fixing her eyes on me. Holy Hufflepuff, those eyes…  
“Well, see now, creampuff. That is a story I have got to hear,” she crossed her legs elegantly, and I smiled shyly, licking my lips and tucking my hair behind my ears.  
I told her about my first ice-hockey match, where I tripped myself with my own stick and face-planted the plastic barriers surrounding the rink, therefore giving myself severe concussion. She huffed and chuckled at that, and chuckled even more as I told her more embarrassing stories about myself. Being the clumsiest person that I know, there were plenty of stories as the sun moved over the sky. She almost spat out her coffee when I told her about the time that I fell out of a tree, into a lake, and was swiftly attacked by geese. I learned more than I thought possible from her reactions; she let out a little huff when my antics involved something dangerous; she chuckled when there was no danger involved and she smiled – properly smiled, not the half-smirk that she’d sent women walking past whilst I’d been talking – when I did something just stupidly clumsy.  
An alarm provided the perfect soundtrack for my last story, considering I’d hit the fire alarm with my hockey stick whilst trying to hit a spider. It made me jump slightly, and she smiled again, that beautiful smile that crinkled her eyes and made them sparkle. She stood up, stretching her arms up, and I averted my eyes swiftly as her top rode up, revealing a slither of pale, toned stomach. Oh… I felt my mouth dry out and I swallowed with difficulty, quite obviously if the smirk on her lips was anything to go by.  
“Sorry, cutie, but I have somewhere to be,” the girl stated, picking up her bag and packing her paper into it. Glancing at my watch I saw it was – 4pm!  
“Sugar honey ice tea, me too!” I leapt up, before remembering the initial reason I had even approached the gorgeous girl in front of me.  
“Umm, could you maybe possibly point me in the direction of the Puerta de… de Alcalá? My friend told me I couldn’t miss it, but well, clearly, I missed it,” I mumbled, my obvious lack of knowledge making me shy again. The girl smiled, and pointed.  
“Walk that way. You’ll reach a fountain. Go left, then straight ahead, then you _really_ can’t miss it,” she winked. I blushed, ducking my head in embarrassment.  
“See you round, cutie,” she murmured, suddenly a lot closer to me than she was before. My breath hitched. A satisfied smile tugged at the corner of her lip and she turned, walking away.  
“Laura,” I breathed, then called after her. She turned, blowing me a kiss.  
“Carmilla.”


	2. Laura and Laf-ter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments, they mean a lot! 
> 
> I've included blank lines between each paragraph for this chapter, and will continue to do so :)

“L, what were you thinking??” Laf was off again, roaring with laughter. I crossed my arms, pouting, not annoyed exactly but kind of irritated with them for laughing because, well because it was a pretty severe predicament okay?

“I’m sorry, L,” they chuckled, “It’s just, you spend over 4 hours, 3 of which you kept me waiting, with this goddess – your word, not mine! – telling her all your cringeworthy stories, which she in fact sits through without complaining and even actively encourages you, she blows you a kiss and you just… let her go? You idiot,” and they were off again. I downed my shot, and tapped my glass, relieved that I didn’t have to attempt Spanish again. I’d pitched up at Puerta de Alcalá 3 hours late to meet my best friend, grabbed them and taken them to a nearby Tapas&Tequila bar recommended on TripAdvisor. I’d immediately ordered shots, causing Laf’s eyebrows to shoot up beyond their hairline, before dragging them to a corner table where I told them everything.

And they wouldn’t. stop. laughing.

 

 _Wait a second, Hollis…_ something clicked in my mind.

“So you just… waited, for 3 hours?”

They immediately stopped laughing, pulling at their bowtie with one hand, “Yup,”

“For 3 hours. In the sun. Without a drink, or even WiFi,”

“Mmmm,” Laf nodded, taking their shot and wincing as it burned their throat.

“I don’t believe you,” I told them smugly, “You are one of the most impatient people I know, and I know that you wouldn’t wait for 3 hours by yourself… Oh! That’s it! Who did you meet? Spill, now!”

Laf succumbed to my puppy dog eyes with an eye roll before sinking back into their seat, a dopey expression on their face.

“Oh, Laura, she was perfect! Little OCD… well, lot OCD but in an endearing way, you know? She just walked up to me and handed me a bottle of water, said it was too hot for a local let alone a tourist, and we just started chatting and oh L…” Laf gushed, gazing off into the distance and wandering down memory lane, hand-in-hand with one Lola Perry. Who also went by her last name, so that was perfect. And she was also ginger, so that was also perfect.

 

Laf and I had met on the rink in high school, they had a beanie with ‘They/Them’ on it, which was being used as a puck by a couple of idiots in the year above us. I immediately skated inbetween them, flicking it up towards the hatless redhead, waiting for them to catch it and smile before stopping in front of them.

“I’m Laura,” I introduced myself, holding out my gloved fist.

“Lafontaine. But you can call me Laf,” they grinned, and bumped my fist with their own.

Best friends ever since.

 

“Yo, L! You daydreaming about your artist?” Laf flicked a potato at me, laughing at my grimace.

“Actually, I was thinking about the day we met,”

“With Jack and David? They were such tools, I wish you could’ve seen their faces when you just picked the beanie with no effort at all, oh man…”

I smiled warmly at my best friend, settling down to listen as they reverted to waxing lyrical about their new love, whilst I silently vowed to put the mysterious Carmilla from my mind.

 

_It’s not like I’m going to see her again, right?_


	3. Interruption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter was just a short one, so I thought I'd post this one as well, seeing as I'd already written it. Hope you enjoy!

_You have got to be kidding me…_

 

A couple of days later, Laf was on a date with the lovely Lola Perry, and, not wanting to be left alone with nothing to do, I’d decided to visit the area containing the Templo de Debod. It had a beautiful piece of architecture in it – the temple, obviously – but the site also afforded a great view of the city. So there I was, sweating in shorts and a vest after a walk up some steep steps with the sun burning my back, and apparently I was not the only one who had had the idea to visit the Templo on such a beautiful day. Because there she was, the girl I had most definitely _not_ put from my mind, in all her glamour and glory, paper in one hand and pencil in the other.

 

Glancing around, I saw a street vendor and managed to order two coffees in my broken Spanish, one black and one with a lot of cream and sugar. Like… a lot a lot. Now that I was an adult who bought her own food, my blood sugar levels had most definitely gone up. Sugar makes everything better, okay? I quickly put the blouse that I had crumpled up in my backpack on and sprayed some perfume on my neck and arms, trying to alleviate the smell of… well, the smell of me. I walked carefully back, stopped just behind her and cleared my throat. Without looking around, she said sharply, “¿Te puedo ayudar?”

I grinned. “Hola, señorita,” and her head shot up, her gaze locking with mine as I moved round in front of her. Her face remained impassive, but her eyes lit up slightly – _probably the sunshine, Hollis, get a grip_ \-  before they travelled down my body to the cups in my hands.

“Oh… you’re here with someone,” the light in her eyes dimmed, and almost went out but I managed to get out “This is for you, silly,” before the light was completely extinguished.

I smiled, and the disappointment that was on her face quickly changed to shock, to curiosity, to a little bit of happiness, before her mouth and eyes decided to smile back at me and her hand tentatively reached out for the cup I was offering her.

“Thank you,” she gestured for me to sit next to her.

“Wow,” I gasped, getting a look at her sketch, “That’s amazing. You… you really see things, don’t you,”

Her head tilted and she looked at me in a way that made my heart beat a little bit faster.

“No one’s ever put it like that,” she murmured, eyes still locked on mine. I looked down at my lap, the intensity of her gaze weighing too heavy, but it was still there, the air thick between us.

 

I stretched out my legs happily, content to people-watch, as long as I got to stay next to Carmilla. She sketched and etched and smudged and shaded, creating a depiction of the Temple with such depth and accuracy that I couldn’t help but reach out to touch it, to feel the stone that she’d carved into the page. Her hand stilled, and mine halted in its movement, not wanting to push a boundary. We stayed like that for a moment, hands frozen in space, until she slowly moved hers off the page. I gently traced the lines on the page, awestruck, turning to look at the artist, to compliment her, only to be met with her profile. Her eyes bore into the page, and there was such sadness in her eyes, such raw emotion, that I felt my heartstrings pull. Impulsively I leaned forwards and kissed her cheek, gently, letting my lips linger before pulling away. She didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge it in any way, but I saw the small smile in the dimple of her cheek, and that was good enough for me.

 

“So, cutie, why are you up here? Did you get lost?” She teased lightly. I giggled, bumping her shoulder with my own.

“I found my own way here, _actually_. It’s a famous spot and it’s a lovely day, so why not, you know? Laf’s busy anyway,”

“Laf?” she queried, not raising her head.

“Short for Lafontaine, they/them pronouns. My best friend,” I added quickly, wanting to clarify that for some reason, “They’re actually on a date today, with this girl that they met whilst waiting for me, come to think of it,”

“What’s she like?” Carmilla’s hand had stilled, pencil paused mid-line.

“Mmm, Laf says that she’s OCD, but endearingly so, red curly hair, here as an exchange student… what’s so funny?”

Carmilla was chuckling, shoulders shaking, hand over her mouth trying to contain her mirth. “Is she called Perry, by any chance? Lola Perry?”

My mouth fell open. “How did you know that?!”

“She’s my roommate, sweetheart.”

 

“So, you’re an exchange student? What’s that like? What do you do? Sorry, I’m rambling again,” we sat down on a bench, me holding a bag full of churros and Carmilla grasping the cup of chocolate dipping sauce. She smiled, shaking her head in mock desperation.

“Oh, cutie, what am I going to do with you. Yes, good, and I work in a school, well an after-school arts club really,” I stared at her, eagerly expecting more, my face shifting to an exasperated expression when she grabbed a churro instead of answering.

“You really don’t like… talking… about… you…” my voice trailed off as my eyes and tongue became hypnotised and immobilised by Carmilla. She’d dipped the churro into the sauce and was now sucking part of it into her mouth, her lips closing as she bit and her eyes closing with pleasure as she chewed. She swallowed and slowly licked her lips, dragging her tongue across the bottom one. I gasped, the heat in my stomach overpowering my self-control. Her eyes flashed open at the sound, gaze locking onto mine. My heart – and centre – jumped; her eyes were blown. She shifted towards me, hips facing mine, bottom lip tucked between her teeth. I swear I almost moaned just from how she was looking at me, eyes dark with desire, lip asking to be bitten. I leaned forward, intending to take her lip between my own teeth, when -

“Laura!” “Carmilla!”

\- our names broke the lusty haze surrounding us, and Carmilla groaned with frustration. I giggled with shock, the uncomfortable ache low in my stomach a reminder of what was about to happen.

 

“Bloody gingers,” Carmilla muttered under her breath with frustration. Noticing that said gingers were still a few shops away, I used the leftover courage of a woman being seduced and leaned forwards, kissing the corner of Carmilla’s mouth. I dragged my lips up her cheekbone to her ear, and whispered, “Good things come to those who wait,” before placing a lingering kiss just below her ear and leaning back, smirking at how flustered she looked. Her eyes were squeezed shut, her chest was heaving and her breathing was jagged - and I did that. The dorky Laura Hollis in me did a victory dance at my sexual prowess, I had reduced this woman to a mess without really doing anything, and boy was I proud.

Her fingernails bit into my flesh, and my insides clenched deliciously with the thought of what could happen with this beautiful person.

“Later,” I murmured, before winking and standing to greet our respective gingers, not missing the exhalation of “Later, indeed,” that followed me up.


	4. ... Was that a double date?

“And that’s how Carmilla and I became friends!” Perry clapped her hands together with a large smile adorning her face, a smile that Laf was subconsciously mirroring whilst consciously shooting heart-eyes at the object of their gaze.

“Seriously?” I looked incredulously at Carmilla, but she just shrugged and bit into her burger, “You chuckled at _all_ of my embarrassing stories, maintaining your cooler-than-ice façade and what-not, but forget to mention that you met your roommate because she _saved you from a toilet cubicle that you had locked yourself in?!_ ” I glared at her. Laf chuckled, “L, knowing you, you probably didn’t let her get a word in edgeways,”

“Thank you, ginger 2,” Carmilla muttered, winking at me when my glare intensified.

“Why didn’t you just,” my voice stuttered as her hand appeared on my knee and rubbed it, slowly, “tell me,” I finished on a gasp of air.

“Well, I have to keep some of my secrets. Otherwise I’ll lose my air of mystery, won’t I?” she whispered into my ear, moving her hand higher up my thigh and squeezing, chuckling lowly when I clamped my legs together trying to keep her there. In my frustration, I missed Perry’s eyebrows knit together in a frown.

“Carmilla? Shall we get more drinks?” Perry’s voice made Carmilla drag her gaze from me, and I relaxed slightly, not realising that I’d been so tense under her observation.

 

Laf and I watched our respective women walk away to the bar before laughing at each other.

“You really like her, huh,” I smiled at Laf’s blush, they shrugged in response, their shyness an instant giveaway: Laf was many things, but shy was not one of them. Their eyes looked up, over my shoulder, clouding in confusion before coming back to me.

“I wonder what they’re talking about,”

I turned to see what they were looking at, and saw Perry gesticulating in a manner that was very disorganized and almost panicked, but Carmilla was just standing there, silent, stoic, mute. It made me uneasy; they looked like they were arguing.

_But what about? Nothing happened._ _They were literally just fine, weren't they?_

I returned to my burger, chewing in contemplation until a full glass appeared next to me.

“Thank you,” I mumbled through a mouthful of burger. Carmilla nodded and settled back down next to me, but she left at least a foot of space between us that wasn’t there before. I frowned, but didn’t call her out on it. The atmosphere had changed drastically, and Laf, bless their soul, filled the tension-strained silence with anecdotes about their passion for science that was always well-meant, but not always well-executed, resulting in more than a few trips to hospital. Perry forced smiles every now and then, and a genuine one appeared when Laf mentioned cleaning a table so thoroughly you could eat your dinner from it. I was quiet, adding bits to stories every now and then, but Carmilla was unresponsive and disinterested. It was as if she had turned into the marble I once mentioned she could melt, and I wasn't sure how to fix it. We paid the bill and left, standing outside awkwardly under a tree filled with fairy lights, surrounded by strangers. I shot a pleading look at Laf, and they nodded once and grabbed Perry.

“Come on, I see something cool!”

“Oh, okay, um, shouldn’t we wait...?” Their voices dulled as they disappeared into Puerta del Sol.

 

I glanced slowly at Carmilla, taking in the light dancing in her hair. Her arms folded and face set in a deliberately emotionless expression… but there were emotions racing in her eyes.

“Want to talk about it?” I offered gently. When I got nothing back, not even an eyebrow raise, I did the only thing I could think of – I hugged her. It was awkward and uncomfortable, her arms still folded between us, but I didn’t let go. I was trying to convey that, even though I didn’t know her very well, I still cared. And it worked.

After a few moments, her arms withdrew from their crowded space and rested hesitantly on my shoulders. I pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her waist and resting my head against her upper chest, just under her chin. I felt her heartbeat quicken, her body tensing as if it wanted to break free and run, but then her whole body relaxed, melting into mine. Her arms moved to hold me actively instead of just laying on my shoulders, and she lay her head on mine. I felt her breath moving my hair, and I let her stay like that for a while, until pulling back slightly to wipe the silent tears from her cheeks. Her eyes locked on mine, and my breathing faltered. We were connected, and I suddenly felt lighter. This wasn’t about lust or seduction, it was about needing closeness, and I could give her what she needed.

 

_Breathe, Hollis…_

Carmilla smiled softly and pressed a kiss to the corner of my eye.

“L! You ready?” Our peace was paused, but not broken.

“You ready?” I whispered, grinning when she nodded. We disentangled from each other and I turned to walk towards Laf, before reaching back to grab her hand. We walked, hands interlocked, down towards the Square, not missing the smug smile on Laf’s face, but I missed the genuine happiness on Carmilla’s. Perry frowned, but twisted it into a smile when Laf squeezed her shoulder.

“Okay, we’re gonna get going. See you tomorrow?” Perry blushed as Laf kissed her cheek and nodded. I quirked my eyebrow.

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow, cutie,” soft lips appeared at the corner of my mouth and I practically skipped after Lafontaine, floated along by the joyous thoughts of what could happen tomorrow.


	5. The night before "tomorrow"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short one, but I promise the next chapter will more than make up for it! :)

 

“Soooooo what’s happening tomorrow?” I bounced up and down on the apartment sofa, unable to even attempt hiding my excitement.

“Calm down, L, burning a hole in the sofa won’t make your lady love appear any faster,” Laf chuckled, “We’re going out, like out out. There’s this club that’s got 7 floors and each one is a different genre of music, it’s meant to be the best night out in the city!”

“Out out?” I squeaked, “But… but I don’t have anything to wear!! And I have to look –”

“ – smoking, I know. We have the whole day to go shopping, Laura,” Laf reassured me.

 

I relaxed slightly, soothed by Laf’s methodical preparation of our relative night-time beverages, then tensed up again.

“Lafontaine? What were Perry and Carm…illa talking about?”

“Carm?” Laf’s eyebrow raised and their eyes glinted, “Maybe you should ask her yourself, crushes-on-artists,” they laughed, easily dodging the cushion I had thrown at them.

“Seriously Laf, it was so strange… she practically shut down after whatever Perry said to her, it’s like… it’s like a light was switched off inside her,”

Laf grimaced in response and sat down next to me, nursing some form of vitamin concoction whilst I slowly sipped my nightly cocoa that they had prepared for me.

“Well, Perry didn’t tell me a lot, L. But from what she said, I think she was warning Carmilla,”

“Warning her? About what??”

“You, Laura.”

 

“Ouch!” I jolted with shock as I realised that my hands had dropped; spilling the hot liquid onto my thighs, “Shoot, shoot shoot shiiii…take mushrooms!” Laf chuckled at my reluctance to swear even when faced with bodily injuries, and shook their head slowly whilst they waited for me to clean myself up.

“Explain, Laf,” I watched them wriggle, debating internally, before sighing, “Please,” I pleaded.

“Perry warned Carmilla not to hurt you. That girl has a, reputation, with women, and not a good one, and Perry didn’t want that to happen to you,”

“Oh.” I frowned. A reputation… _well, Hollis, you already knew that she could have her pick of women. That smirk, that body, those sinfully seductive eyes – not the time, Laura. Focus. Don’t think about the curve of her lips or about how she shuddered when you kissed her neck – HOLLIS!_

I shook my head, physically trying to rid myself of inappropriate thoughts. I mused over what I knew, her reputation fitted how she was on the first day we met, when she smirked at every woman under the age of 40 that walked by, but something didn’t add up.

 

Tonight.

 

How she had been with me tonight, after all the seduction-eyes and the cold emotionless statue, after all of that. When it had been just the two of us. She had opened up to me, not with words, but… she showed me she was vulnerable. She allowed me to see the tears slip from her eyes, as if they were tired from being there for too long, as if they simply needed to escape. She allowed me to wipe the salty drops from her cheeks.

 

“I think I’m different for her,” I mused, “Or at least, what I mean is, I think she sees me differently,”

Laf grinned before getting up and gently punching my shoulder. “I think you’re different for her too, L. Now let’s go to bed, get up early and get an outfit worthy of seducing the seductress into changing her ‘ _wicked ways’_ ,” Laf drawled the last two words, before grinning widely, “Unless of course you’re planning to seduce her by tripping over your own feet, giving yourself concussion and letting her take you to hospital!” Laf ran down the hall to their room, narrowly avoiding the shoe that I had thrown after them at their words. The apartment filled with their laughter, and I smiled to myself, sinking back into the sofa.

 

_You’ve got this, Hollis. You’ve got this._


	6. Clubbing and Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Self-harm

“Laura, you look hot! Now come _on_ , Perry’s texted me twice and they’re already there! Awh dammit, where’s my waistcoat…”

“It’s in here, Laf,” I called from my room, where I was twisting and turning nervously in front of the mirror. I gulped down the rest of my wine, glad that I’d resisted the urge to put blush on. I was already flushed pink thinking about being in a dark, crowded room with Carmilla…

 

Laf and I had wandered along the whole of Gran Via looking for a suitable dress, Laf’s inherent impatience reduced by my obvious anxiety. We’d finally stepped off the main street into a secluded side-street in order to get a break from the sun, and Laf had seen a boutique. A boutique that contained the dress that I was currently wearing. It was kind of odd to look at on the hanger, it was one-shouldered and shapeless. On, it was a different story. The shoulder was lace, and the body was tight over the chest and waist, flaring out slightly at the hips to give me a more defined shape. It was a deep burgundy, and with heels, flawless make-up and loosely curled hair, Laf had declared me a sex siren that would ‘drop Carmilla’s jaw and probably her pants too’.

“Here… Dutch courage,”

I looked up to see Laf in the mirror behind me, holding two shot glasses that were almost overflowing. They smiled softly, reading my mind like they always had been able to.

“Stop over-thinking, L. You look good,”

I grinned and took the shot glass from her hand. Perfectly in sync, we knocked them back and slammed the empty glasses back down on the dresser.

“Let’s do this,” Laf held out their fist, allowing me to respond in kind and bump my fist on top of their clenched hand.

_Let’s do this, Hollis…_

 

_Oh. My. Sweet. Mother of a muffin, how many people?!_

It was half 2 in the morning, and the club was packed. The bouncers had waved us through without charging us entry, clouding both of our faces with confusion until we walked through the curtain and the confusion was replaced with sheer awe as we came face-to-face with a solid wall of people. A solid wall that was moving to a deep beat, bodies grinding and writhing against each other, emitting a heat that I could already feel creeping over my body, whispering in my ear, welcoming me. I shifted awkwardly, I was already flustered. And I hadn’t even seen Carmilla yet…

_Be cool, Hollis._

“There they are! By the bar!” Laf shouted in my ear and grabbed my hand, dragging me through the crowd until we popped out on the other side. I inhaled deeply, trying to catch my breath, before catching sight of Carmilla.

And all the air left my lungs.

 

She was directly in front of me, leaning over the bar talking to the bartender, and I couldn’t stop staring. She was in a corset that showed off her defined shoulder blades – _stop drooling, Hollis –_ and a sliver of skin between the bottom of the corset and the top of her trousers.

_Leather trousers. She’s wearing leather trousers. That are clinging to every muscle in her thighs, and her ass… oh, her ass…_

Caught up in my mental admiration, a clearing of someone’s throat brought my eyes back into focus, only to realise two things: that Carmilla was the source of the throat-clearing; and that she had turned around, meaning that I was staring at a much more… intimate, part of her body. _Crap_. I immediately hauled my eyes up, intending to meet her gaze like an ordinary, non-leering person, but got stuck at the top of the corset. It was a deep ‘V’, highlighting her delicate collarbones and accentuating her chest, pushing her breasts together in a manner so enticing that I wanted nothing more than to worship that expanse of skin with my tongue until she was writhing beneath me.

“See something you like, cutie?” She smirked and her teasing tone brought my eyes up to their intended destination, my cheeks flushing deeper at her husky voice. Her eyes locked onto mine and I gulped, feeling the heat in my body – one rather specific area in particular – rise until I felt like I was burning up. Clearly, Carmilla was well aware of my internal combustion, judging by the smirk on her face. She handed me one of the glasses in her hands and I knocked back the tequila like a pro, not even wincing. I lowered my glass, expecting a comment about my crimson cheeks, but was met instead by a frozen expression on Carmilla’s face.

 

I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, what had happened to cause such a reaction, before actually looking at her and realising just what had occurred. Due to my flustered reaction to her body and outfit, Carmilla had been focused on my face and provoking amusing responses – she hadn’t actually seen my outfit.

And her expression now that she had, was priceless.

Her mouth slightly agape, her face was completely immobile, except her eyes, that were moving ever so slowly over my body. They started at my naked shoulder, moving down over my chest and waist, down my thighs and stopping on my toned calves and fuck-me heels. Her gaze devouring me, I dared not move. I didn’t want to, it felt like she was undressing me with her eyes and it felt _delicious_.

 

_Do it, Laura._

I stepped forwards, acutely aware of the way her eyes flickered and her lips trembled as I invaded her personal space. I leaned in, mouth next to her ear.

“See something you like, _cutie_?” I murmured, enunciating the ‘cutie’, and ever so gently licked the shell of her ear before turning around and walking into the throng of people.

 

I didn’t need to look behind me to see that she was following.

 

 

“And _that_ , Hollis, is what happens when you have Dutch courage!” Laf patted me on the back a little too eagerly; they had been drowning their nerves with tequila slammers and even though they were clearly not all there, they still had the presence of mind to comment on my closeness to Carmilla throughout the club. No matter what floor we were on, we were together and dancing, or together and drinking, and Laf had waggled their eyebrows at me more than once before almost falling over a potted plant. Perry and Carmilla were grabbing more drinks, and I’d been tasked with manoeuvring Laf into a nearby booth.

On the one hand, I wanted Laf to be okay because they were my best friend and hangovers sucked, plus I knew how much they were looking forward to this night with Perry. On the other, completely selfish hand, I wanted them to be okay so that I could wander off with Carmilla without worrying about Laf potentially needing me to take them home. Laf grabbed my hand, “Go for it, L. I can see the clash of emotions on your face! I’ll be fine with Perr, you can do your thang with Carmilla, and you can come and get me when you’re ready… or not, if she seduces you into going home,” they winked before slumping back onto the table with a disappointed expression at the appearance of a large jug of water. “Spoil my fun,” they muttered.

 

“Stand up, cutie,” a low voice appeared in my ear and I practically leapt up, ignoring the knowing smirk that Laf sent my way. Carmilla and I had been dancing intimately ever since I’d licked her ear, hands roaming over each other’s bodies almost to the point of indecency. I was wound _tight_ , coiled like a spring. And here she was again, with temptation in her hands and a promise in her eyes.

“One for luck?” She husked, and my pulse faltered and jumped.

“One for luck,” I whispered back, licking the salt off my hand, taking the shot and biting the lime wedge. She watched me intently, eyes darkening, before repeating the ritual. A drop of lime juice crawled down the corner of her mouth, only to be diverted by Carmilla’s tongue.

Time slowed. Her tongue danced along her lips, dragging the juice back into her mouth, before licking her bottom lip again. Once, twice, and then her eyes met mine. They were hooded, and her lips were parted slightly. I had one last barrier between my self-control and my desire, and then she licked her lips again, slowly and deliberately sucking her bottom lip between her teeth and smirking at me.

My barrier crumbled.

 

I grabbed her hand and pulled her into a stairwell, before realising that I had no idea where I was going. I paused, suddenly unsure.

_Stupid, Hollis…_

Carmilla spun me round and put her finger on my lips.

“Stop. Overthinking,” she murmured.

So I stopped overthinking.

 

I opened my mouth, letting her finger fall past my lips to rest on them.

“Laura,” she warned, but with no real conviction. I closed my mouth around her finger, and swirled my tongue round it.

“Laura,” she whispered, with even less conviction. Waiting until her eyes locked on mine, I slowly moved my mouth down the long length of her elegant finger to the knuckle, and sucked once, hard, massaging her finger with my tongue as I slowly released her from my embrace.

“ _Laura,”_ she growled, and I didn’t even have time to blink before I was pressed against the wall, her hands burning imprints on my hips and her lips a hair’s breadth from my own.

“You tease,” Carmilla whispered, her eyes not moving from my lips. She inched even closer, I could feel the heat from her lips on mine and it wasn’t enough. I needed more.

“Sorry,” I murmured coyly, and when she gasped at the slight contact of my lips on hers, I grabbed her, spun her round and backed her against the wall, smirking when she let out a needy gasp as her back hit the wall. “Not sorry,” I smiled, and kissed her.

 

Electricity ran through my body, flowing through my veins like liquid fire as her mouth moved against mine. Her mouth was soft and delicate, like velvet, enticing me to lose myself in her embrace. So I did. I ran my tongue along her bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth and nipping it like I had wanted to do for so long, a bolt of lust shooting through me when she moaned at my action. I soothed the nip with my tongue, letting out a moan of my own when Carmilla’s tongue caressed mine before licking fiercely into my mouth. I found myself burning up as she did something with her tongue that melted my spine and liquefied my knees, and she used my pliant state to revert us to our original positions. My back flush against the wall, hands buried in her hair, moaning and panting against her neck as her thigh slipped between my own. Just as I was about to lose all dignity and beg her to take me right there in the hallway, cameras and customers be damned, she suddenly pulled back. I opened my eyes when she didn’t kiss me again, and was met with a gratifying sight – her hair was messy, tangled by my hands, her lips were swollen and bruised by my own, and her breathing was laboured, like my own. But she didn’t move, wouldn’t meet my gaze. Unsure, I reached out a hand tentatively, cupping her cheek with my hand and tilting her head up to look at me. Her eyes met mine, and the lust was still there, but something else had appeared – was that fear?

_Breathe, Hollis, it’s okay, it’s not your fault, just try to fix it…_

“Hey,” I murmured, my voice thicker than usual.

“Hey,” she whispered, before shaking her head and sighing, “Um, could we go somewhere? I don’t… I need to explain, so that you understand why I don’t… why I can’t…” she was looking anywhere but at me, and my body froze as the cold realisation washed over me.

_It is your fault, she doesn’t want you, why would anyone want you, she’s so out of your league, how did you ever think you had a chance with her…_

“Laura,” Her voice broke through my self-hatred and her eyes were clear as she smiled at me, “You’re overthinking again. Stop it. Come with me, I’ll explain everything,” she took my hand and gently pulled me up the stairs with her, not giving me the opportunity to run and hide like I wanted. We reached the top of the building and she checked there was no one around before opening the emergency door and gesturing me out onto the rooftop. There were sofas everywhere, but thankfully none were occupied. We sat on one furthest from the door, and she gently clasped my hand before leaning back and letting my hand fall empty into my lap.

“I have a confession,” she said, and when I didn’t respond, she started talking, filling the sky with words that were full of pain, heartbreak, regret and hope. She painted the air around us with the hues of her confession, as the sun painted the sky with the colours of sunrise.

 

An hour later, we were still sitting outside, the sky had become light and the air was filled with silence. My head was full, and my heart was weighed heavy by the words it had absorbed. My hand rested on top of Carmilla’s, a physical comfort that I could not yet verbalise, my thoughts needed organising and wording before I could set them free. Her eyes were closed, her face smooth, tear tracks etched into her cheeks from where her emotions had burst through the bars that she had caged them with for so long.

 

She had confessed.

 

But at the same time, she hadn’t. She had told me of her first love, a girl named Ell, a girl who had stolen Carmilla’s heart and worshipped it for over two years, before breaking it and leaving it in pieces on the ground. They were schoolmates, best friends turned lovers, and Carmilla thought they would be together forever, her love was that strong. In their second year of university, Ell had gotten drunk and slept with another person. She told Carmilla, and apologised, pleading for a second chance. Carmilla was hurt, but believed Ell when she said it was a drunken mistake and she couldn’t throw their relationship away for such a stupid reason. They remained together for another couple of months, until Carmilla discovered that Ell had been sleeping around, whilst sober. With no alcohol-related excuse, Ell had screamed at Carmilla that it was her fault, that she wasn’t enough and that she didn’t love her anymore. Carmilla had left Ell’s bedroom, heart shattered, but no tears left her eyes. She locked herself in her room and her skin wept as she opened her flesh and blood soaked the carpet. She still had the scars, white lines that wrapped around her thighs and wrists.

After that night, she shut down emotionally. She slept with everyone who offered, from students to waitresses to the occasional professor, giving them pleasure and waiting until they cried out her name before leaving and moving on to the next one. They never returned the favour, she wouldn’t let them. She had broken more than a few hearts, all in the attempt to fix hers.

 

And that brings us to this moment, Carmilla’s eyes now wide open and fixed on mine, shoulders already set with resignation, convinced that I would reject her.

I turned her hand over and brought it to my lips, kissing the palm ever so gently before brushing my lips over her wrist and kissing the scars that I found there. She gasped in surprise, and I kissed the wounds again.

 

“You had no need to confess. That girl broke you, and you did what you could. That doesn’t make what you did right, but I understand,” I murmured against the papered-over cracks in her skin, and turned to see her, face paralysed as if she couldn’t understand that someone might actually accept her, might accept her past and want to have a present, maybe even a future with her. I leaned forward and kissed her, ever so softly, and her face relaxed.

“Thank you,” she whispered against my lips, before pressing her mouth to mine again. I felt moisture, tasted salt, but didn’t stop kissing her as she threaded her hands into my hair and her tears soaked our skin.

 

 

We walked home together, hand in hand and wearing a comfortable silence. Perry had taken Laf back to her and Carmilla’s apartment, understanding in her eyes and warmth in her smile when she saw the dried diamonds on Carmilla’s cheeks. She squeezed my shoulder before shuffling Laf off, and I watched them go with a smile.

“This is me,” my words appeared between us, and she nodded. “Do you want to come up…?” I asked shyly, and watched her emotions struggle in her eyes before she huffed and shook her head.

“I want to do this right, Laura, I want this to be different, and if we were alone in your apartment I don’t think I’d be able to control myself,” she explained when she saw the disappointment in my eyes. “But,” she continued, “would you maybe... like to go on a, date, with me... tomorrow?”

I saw the uncertainty in her eyes as she laid herself vulnerable at my feet, and I responded by leaning in to kiss her cheek.

_I am different for her._

“I’d love to,” I beamed, and watched her body visibly relax with relief. She smiled back at me, softly, and with a twinkle to her eyes that I’d never seen.

“Until tomorrow, then,” she said, and kissed me swiftly but gently before walking away. My brain took a moment to register that she’d kissed me again, and I opened my mouth to call after her but she had already turned back to me.

“I forgot to tell you, you look absolutely beautiful,” she called, before blowing me a kiss and resuming her walk home.

 

She took my breath, and possibly my heart, with her.

 


	7. It was all going so well...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to put something in the tags, and I can't work out how to fix it so I thought I'd put it here - all of the characters are human, there's no vampire Carmilla or anything like that. 
> 
> If you're still with me, thank you very much and I hope you enjoy this chapter! (Sorry for the angst...)

_I’ll pick you up at 3pm. Wear something comfortable. C xx_

“LAF?!” I exclaimed, my voice reaching a pitch I’d never realised I could. They groaned, hands over their ears trying desperately to ignore me whilst they curled up on the sofa. They had pitched up at half 11 nursing a hangover (thankfully it wasn't too bad, Perry had insisted on them both drinking water and eating toast when they got home) and thrown a folded piece of paper at me before trudging mournfully into the sitting room. I hadn’t opened it first, doing my duty as a best friend to make them a coffee with some added rum to ease the headache. Laf had taken one gulp, gone green and flopped back onto the sofa, leaving me to sip the rum-riddled coffee with pleasure. Knowing I would get no conversation from the sorry ginger, I opened the paper, expecting a flyer or a science talk, or maybe even a BDSM group gathering (Laf had always enjoyed teasing me about my inner ‘dominatrix’ that they were convinced was just waiting to burst out) but not… this. This was a rare way of inviting someone on a date, usually people just texted… and Laf had been there, so she could have got my number… so she wanted to do this, like this. My heart swelled and my lips broke into a smile; she put effort into this. I was different for her, this proved it. They weren’t just empty words whispered on the back of alcohol and hazy kisses. I looked at my watch and jumped up, squeaking “It’s 12! I have to get ready! What do I wear? What does she mean by _comfortable_?!” and running to my room at top speed, ignoring Laf’s chuckling coming from the sofa.

 

2 and a half hours later, I was standing naked in my room, clothes heaped all around me and despair in my eyes. At least I’d done my hair and put a little bit of make-up on. Maybe I could just go naked, Carmilla seemed to appreciate my body in that dress, I’m sure she’d appreciate me out of it…

_Not the time, Hollis._

Pulling on matching lingerie – got to be prepared for anything, right? – I yelled Laf’s name down the hallway, voice reverberating until it reached the hungover ears of my best friend. I heard a moan and a crash before the shuffling sound of their feet reached my door.

“Whoa, L! Save that for Carmilla,” they shielded their eyes.

“Help meee,” I whined, pouting with desperation until they sighed and shrugged.

“Okay, but only because it’s you, and also because you and your bossy voice are going soon. She said comfortable, and it’s quite warm, so… here, here and here. Now get dressed and leave me be,” they grumbled, but a smile was lurking on their face, so I didn’t feel too bad. I quickly put on what they’d thrown at me, and sighed with relief, a huge grin breaking out on my face. Loose dressy shorts, a blouse that tied on my waist and a light jacket – perfect. Smart, but comfortable! The buzzer sounded and I checked my face quickly, before running out to the door.

“Hey,” I said breathlessly, smiling when a sultry “Hey, cutie,” came back to me.

“Oh! Are you coming up, or should I come down?” I blushed with embarrassment at how teenager-y I sounded.

“How about I come up, and bring you down,” Carmilla suggested, and I breathed an acknowledgement before buzzing her up. I opened the door, too eager to wait for her customary knock. The smell hit me first, citrus. And then the colours - pink, white, red, purple, even blue. And at the end of the bouquet was Carmilla, a shy smile on her face.

“They’re beautiful,” I gasped, thanking her by kissing her cheek and smiling when she blushed a pretty shade of pink.

“They’re freesias,” she explained, following me into my apartment so I could water-and-vase them. Laf groaned in greeting, causing Carmilla’s eyebrow to raise and her signature smirk to emerge.

“Freesias. Can be manipulated to bloom any colour desired. Symbolising innocence, sweetness and trust,” Laf spouted, and Carmilla’s smirk froze. I turned, freesias arranged to my desire, and walked over to where Carmilla looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up.

“They’re beautiful,” I reiterated, breathing a sigh of relief when she smiled at my statement. She tugged my hand, locking her fingers with mine, thankfully oblivious to the blush that painted my cheeks at how normal it felt.

“Bye, Laf,” I shouted as we left, faintly hearing them shout something that sounded like “Be safe, lovebirds,”. We walked down the stairs, and out into the sunshine, and I happily let Carmilla lead me through the crowds and into the light. We paused at a zebra crossing, and she wrapped her arm around my waist, pulling me into her side.

“You look gorgeous,” she whispered, and kissed my hair, melting me. I rested my hand over hers, holding her arm around my waist as we walked, unable to see but able to sense the happy smile decorating her face.

“Here we are,” she let go of me to bow with a flourish in front of a large iron gate. A large iron gate that looked oddly familiar. A large iron gate that was opposite...

“Carmilla!” I laughed, and shook my head, grinning even wider when she took me by the arm and led me away from the Puerta de Alcala, back up the flower-edged path to the fountain and along to the café where we had first met.

 

“This is so _fun_!” I giggled freely as my legs rowed madly, trying to catch up to the dark-haired girl sailing effortlessly in front of me. We had continued on past the café, chuckling about my initial awkwardness -

 _"It’s señorita,_  _cutie_ "

_"I don’t speak like that, Laura,"_

_"Yes, you do, Carmilla, and you know it"_

\- and round the bottom end of the lake, until we had almost done a complete circuit. Then Carmilla had stopped on the path, next to a beaten-up wooden kiosk. A kiosk selling rides on pedalo swans. I had jumped up and down like an overgrown toddler before eagerly clambering into one, watching Carmilla elegantly descend into the one next to me, and then we were off. Halfway across the lake, the sun sparkling on the water, throwing diamonds into the air and raining glitter in our hair. I finally managed to pull up alongside her, reaching out for her hand and letting out a contented huff as our fingers entwined. I shaded my eyes against the sun and looked over to her, only to be met with an unexpected sight. There was an expression on her face I had never seen before, and I didn’t know how to label it.

“Are you okay, Carm?” I squeezed her hand gently.

“Carm…” she muttered, a small smile tugging her lips. When no further response came, I had a bit of a panic-ramble.

“It just slipped out I’m sorry, Carm is a nice nickname I think, not that Carmilla isn’t a beautiful name because it totally is, a beautiful name for a beautiful person and I shouldn’t have presumed anything you probably hate it – ugh!”

I was cut off in my ramble by a face full of cold water. It drenched my face and splashed my outfit, and when I opened my eyes, Carmilla was wearing the brightest smile I had ever seen. Her eyes sparkled, her head tilted back and her mouth opened, breathing in the air as if she’d never tasted it before. I watched her in awe, my heartbeat quickening at the stunning sight in front of me. She looked at me, and I felt almost humbled by the intensity of her gaze. She leaned over, and kissed our intertwined hands.

“I like Carm, when _you_ call me Carm, Laura.” She murmured against my skin before kissing it again. The moment was significant, that much was obvious, and it held a promise, an idea of things to come. I raised her gaze to mine, leaned forwards and whispered, ever so quietly

“Race you!” before releasing her hand and pedalling like mad backwards, Carmilla’s face breaking out in laughter and the happiness breaking the silent peace around us.

 

I don’t know how, but she won the race back to shore.

 

But I felt like I won the prize, whatever competition I was in.

 

Her guard had truly come down with me now, and she allowed me to see her naked emotion – sure, she was still overbearingly sarcastic and endearingly arrogant, but her joy shone through. As we were walking through the centre of the city, I kept stealing glances at her, her beauty making my breath catch in my throat every time. Sometimes she frowned, as though she hadn’t allowed herself to be like this in a while. And, thinking back to what she had told me about Ell, I wasn’t surprised. But this could be different, this could be something. If it weren’t for the two things casting darkness onto my happiness. Two things that I had promised myself I would tell Carmilla, after she had ‘confessed’ to me on the rooftop.

“Carm,” I started, but was halted by a finger to my lips.

“Close your eyes,” her voice soothed me, and my eyelids lowered without hesitation. Her hands led me up some stairs, and into a lift, the moving floor making me stumble and fall into Carmilla’s arms. I smiled, this was like a cheesy rom-com moment, all that needed to happen was – her lips met mine, her arms righting me. I tried to chase her lips when they left mine, but all I got was a chuckle and a “Patience, cutie,” murmured in my ear. I wriggled with pleasure, contemplating what could happen later, not really paying attention to the way Carmilla was guiding me until she stopped, repositioning herself behind me and resting her head on my shoulder. Wrapping her arms round my waist and holding me safe, she whispered that I could open my eyes.

 

So I did.

 

And I couldn’t help the sharp intake of breath at the sight before me. The whole of Madrid was laid out before us, a carpet made for giants to walk on, a maze that only the gods could see if they ever deigned to look. The sky was ablaze with fire, the sunset a powerful blend of reds, oranges, pinks and yellows. I felt tears well up at the sheer beauty of it all, and my body slumped back into Carmilla’s, overwhelmed by the juxtaposition of the natural beauty of the sky and the imposing man-made city. She kissed me gently, and we stood, wrapped up in each other, watching the sun go down.

 

 

“Dinner?” Carmilla turned me to face her once the reds had bleached from the sky, kissing the tear that had broken free from my eyelashes. Instead of answering, I stepped forwards and hugged her, overcome with emotion that I needed to share, lest I break under the weight of it all. She held me, saying nothing, until I felt light enough to lean back and stand on my own two feet. I thanked her with my mouth against hers, and then let her lead me to a table, our faces glowing in the candlelight.

 

Our food had been and gone, and we were talking, contently full and almost tipsy on an amazing wine that had been served without question. Carmilla had asked about my life, and I had told her everything.

_Almost everything, Hollis…_

I told her about my passion for journalism, my love of ice-skating and ice hockey, the fact that my mother had died when I was younger and that my dad was now very protective. Her eyes had twisted at the news of my mother’s death, not in pity, but in understanding, and she had made no specific comment but had kissed my hand instead, something which touched me deeply. I voiced my love of travel, and even managed to broach one of the darker subjects – my leaving date. Which was the day after tomorrow. Carmilla had closed her eyes briefly, face scrunching with sadness before saying simply that we would have to make the most of it. Unable to contain myself, I had leaned forward and kissed her passionately, much too intimately for a rooftop bar full of local people. I had pulled back, eyes glittering, smile pulling my face as I watched her try to regain her composure.

_One down, one to go. Do it, Laura._

Glasses of wine replenished, I smiled happily as Carmilla painted the stars with her words, making me feel like I was up there with them. A natural lull came into the conversation, and I took a large gulp of wine, trying to steady my nerves.

“So, you haven’t mentioned any past relationships?” Carmilla spoke whilst I had wine in my mouth, and I almost choked, convinced that she had read my mind. This was the second dark topic that I needed to broach, and I was slightly relieved that she had brought it up, this meant that I had no way of avoiding it.

“Well, you see, the thing is…”

 

“Did I hear someone say ‘relationships’?” A familiar voice interrupted me, and my insides twisted with panic.

_No. This cannot be happening._

I turned to the source of the voice and had my fears confirmed – over 6ft of slim ginger, dressed smartly and smiling down at me.

“Danny,” I croaked, the moisture in my mouth gone and the moisture in my sweat glands overproducing. I felt Carmilla’s hand on mine, trying to sooth me, but it only succeeded in making me feel more nauseous. I saw Danny’s face warp with confusion, and she stepped forward, closer to me.

“Laura, who’s this?” She said, glaring at Carmilla’s hand with the subtlety of Mrs Weasley’s Howler.

“I’m Carmilla,” she answered for herself, looking to me for help, for anything, and when I remained mute, she asked the question I didn’t want to hear answered – “Who are you?”

“I’m Danny. I’m Laura’s girlfriend,”

 

I saw Carmilla’s heart shatter in her eyes, and I felt my own break as I watched her leave.

 

I watched her leave me. The pieces of our hearts entwined on the ground beneath my feet.

 

There could be no way to fix this.


	8. An accepted apology, or ¿adiós amante?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a bit awkward to write, but I hope I did okay. Again, thank you for all the kudos and comments - you're the ones keeping me writing! :) xx

All the colour had bleached from the sky, and I mirrored its greyness as I slowly made my way 'home'. My shoulders were stooped, my hands buried deep in my pockets, my mouth dumb and my heart numb. I hadn’t spoken a word since Carmilla had left me, and Danny hadn’t stopped talking, oblivious to the stony atmosphere that I was projecting. She had faltered a little when I had turned my head so that she kissed my cheek instead of my mouth, but she had gotten right back into the swing of it, talking about her idiot friends, her stupid course and her irritating parents. Every word that fell from her mouth felt like a little needle, stabbing my skin, and she remained blissfully unaware of the pain that she had caused me.

_Carmilla…_

“And then I slammed his paper down and told him, you can’t use that word there, that’s completely inappropriate in the context and even a child would understand that…” Danny droned on as we made our way up the apartment block stairs, and I silently opened the door, relief washing over me when I saw that it was dark and empty. I didn’t want Laf to feel awkward if they were here, and I didn’t want them to feel obliged to go to Carmilla’s – I mean Perry’s.

 

“Why are you _here_ , Danny?” I cut her off, unable to listen to her blather on anymore. My irritation level had peaked, and I was inexplicably angry, considering it was my fault in the first place. But it wasn’t, not really.

“The plan was for me to meet you…?” Danny looked at me, a confused expression on her face.

“Not _here_ , though, Danny, you were meant to be in _Rome_ in _two days’ time_! Does this look like Rome to you? Did you manage to waltz your way through security and accidentally get on the wrong plane?”

“I don’t get what I’ve done wrong, Laura,” she sat down, folding her arms with a stubborn expression twisting her eyes, “I thought it would be nice to surprise you, and to make sure that you got to Rome safely,”

“ **Got to Rome safely?!** Danny I am a grown woman, not a child that you need to babysit! I managed to make it to Spain without you, or were you secretly hiding, watching my every step? This is one of the problems, you’re so over-protective…” I exploded, a pang of guilt flaring up at the stricken look on her face, but I pushed it down.

“I like being protective of you Laura… and look what might have happened tonight, that girl was clearly flirting with you and you were too nice to stop her and she might have forced herself on you if I hadn’t been there to prevent it!” Danny sat back, a smug smile on her face at her logic, which only infuriated me more.

“Danny… I don’t understand how you still haven’t realised that I can protect myself. I knocked out a grown man when he was trying to rob _you_ , remember? And not that this is the main point, but I feel like you have a right to know – I was encouraging her flirting. I was flirting _back_ ,” I had sat down next to her, all anger suddenly dissipated into the tense atmosphere surrounding us.

 

I hadn’t wanted this to happen, not like this. I didn’t want to break up with Danny over the phone, and we weren’t going to be at home together for another 6 months yet, so I decided to break up with her when we met up in Rome. Carmilla… Carmilla wasn’t the reason for my decision to end things with Danny. I didn’t even plan on meeting anyone else, not yet, but she was – is – so magnetic, I couldn’t resist her. I felt like she was the first breath of air after you’ve been underwater too long; slightly painful but so refreshing and so joyous.  I couldn’t let that go.

_It might have already gone, Laura._

“Did she seduce you?” Danny said coldly, bringing me back to the situation with a verbal slap, “Did she play on her charms, on your obvious sexual frustrations, and convince you to leave me for mind-blowing sex?”

“No, Danny,” I sighed, “I was going to end things with you anyway, in Rome. We just… we need different things, and you deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved,”

Her face blanched and she grabbed my hands, desperation wild in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, I was hurt and I lashed out, please, Laura… please don’t leave me,” she sobbed, and I felt sick to my stomach. I had never meant to cause this pain, I didn’t mean to…

_Maybe you deserve to be alone._

The morning sun broke my fitful sleep, and my room came into focus through my tear-puffed eyes. I had tossed and turned all night, initially through sorrow at how much pain I had caused Danny, but then the dawn had welcomed me with Carmilla’s broken eyes and I had screamed out in agony. I had to fix this. Or at least, I had to try. Danny had left late last night, having spent hours pleading to my deaf ears and kissing my unresponsive lips. I couldn’t be with her because of her pain, that was unfair to both of us. I needed to see Carmilla, to explain what had happened. I entertained very little hope that she would forgive me, but if she would just listen, then she might understand. She might understand that I didn’t mean to break the trust that she so cautiously gave me.

 

“Gracias!” I forced cheer into my voice as an elderly lady held the door to Carmilla’s block of flats open for me. Laf had listened to my pitiful story this morning, and responded in an unexpected way –

 

“I’m sorry, L. I was a bad friend, even though you were already going to break up with Danny, I should have encouraged you to tell Carmilla about her at the beginning or at least told you to not get so attached. So I am sorry. But in all honesty, you fucked up – go and fix it!"  –

 

which brought me here, clambering up 5 floors of stairs until I got to Carmilla’s apartment. I hadn’t texted, I didn’t want to give her the chance to run away. I lifted my hand to knock, but paused when I heard raised voices.

 

“So you just left? Without saying anything?” That sounded like Perry…

“Of course I did! Her giant ginger girlfriend was staring daggers at me, which I don’t really blame her for, and Laura just sat there like a dummy -  of course I left!” … and there was Carmilla. “How could I have been so stupid, of course she didn’t want me like that, they've probably swanned off lopsidedly arm-in-arm into the sunset by now.”

“Carmilla Karnstein. I don’t talk to you about feelings a lot, especially yours. Ever, really. But you will listen to me now, and you will listen good, you hear? Whatever happened on that rooftop, you can be sure of one thing – your feelings aren’t unrequited, whatever you may think. I saw the way Laura looked at you at that dinner. And you are an amazing, beautiful person, when you let people in. So why don’t you give her a chance to explain, hmm?”

I heard mumbling and grumbling, so I breathed in, mustered up my courage and knocked. Loudly. A crash on the other side of the door made me jump, but before I could call out and see if they were okay, the door flew open to reveal a very flustered-looking Perry. She didn’t smile at me, but she squeezed my shoulder with a tolerant expression.

“I’m going to Laf’s, then. You better have a good explanation, because I know you two could have something amazing if you’d only just get your heads out of your arses and stop fannying around!” She went bright red at her sudden spew of emotion and hurried off, self-admonishing about losing her reserve. I softly closed the door, and turned to see Carmilla. Ordinary apathetic expression, closed-off body language, but the red rings around her eyes betrayed her.

“Hello, _Laura,_ ” she sneered, and thus it began.  

 

A solid two and a half hours later, we were sitting in silence, words floating around us. I had explained about Danny, that it was over before I had even met Carmilla and that without meaning to, I had brought her into my mess as collateral damage. I had cried, noiselessly, just letting the tears slide down my cheeks as I talked myself hoarse. Carmilla had said nothing, her face only getting smoother as my words got rougher, blurred by my sadness. She knew that I liked her, that I wanted something with her, I would even take friendship. I just couldn’t lose her. She had only reinforced what I was missing in life; she saw the romantic in the ordinary but kept it private until it was relevant. She balanced me out, challenged me, and this was only in the first few days of us knowing each other. I pleaded with her, begged her to give me another chance, surely she had felt the connection that was almost physically tangible between us? But throughout all of my emotional outburst, she had remained stoic. I couldn’t blame her for that. So then, with a heavy heart but a clear mind, I stood up, preparing myself to leave her behind, to say goodbye to her.

 

A finger touched my hand, tentatively. Then it wrapped itself round my own, halting me in my departure. I looked down, at Carmilla, whose eyes were glistening with unshed salt drops of pain.

“Thank you, for explaining,” she whispered. I nodded, unsure of what else I could say. But then she stood up, and it was clear she didn’t want me to say anything at all. Her hand left mine, and the momentary spark of hope I had felt quietly left my body.

 

She opened the door, standing next to it, waiting to show me out. I trudged past her, my legs stuck in treacle. I turned to say goodbye, but the words got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t.

 

I pressed my mouth to her cheek, not reacting when a teardrop hesitantly landed on my upper lip.

 

“One day,” the soft murmur of her voice enabled me to pull back from her. I looked at her questioningly, not daring to expect anything. “If it’s meant to be, one day, it will be.” Carmilla stepped back from me, and shut the door, gently. I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding, and returned to my apartment, where Laf was alone, waiting for me with a cup of cocoa and a large box of tissues.

 

I didn’t cry when I told them, and they recognized the ember of hope in my voice, an ember that I wouldn’t acknowledge for fear of putting it out.

 

 _You told her, Hollis. You did all you could. And what she said is true – if it is meant to be, then one day, it will be. All you can do is wait, and see._  

 

 

 


	9. Silent Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the delay in updating, I had uni issues and then general issues. This is just a short one, but the good news is that the next chapter is pretty much ready! Yay! Hope you enjoy :) xx

 

_Dear Laura,_

_I’m not quite sure why I’m writing this. I think, because, when you came to me to explain the situation, I said nothing in return._

_Except, of course, ‘one day’. That if it’s meant to be, it will be. And I do mean that, genuinely – don’t seek me out, for I will not respond. Don’t contact me. That way, if we meet again, we will know that it’s because our paths are meant to cross, not because we have forced them to. _

_However, I feel like I owe you an explanation. You know about everything that happened with Ell, how much it broke me. In all honesty, you scare me. When I think of you, your smile when you looked at me, the soft melody of your laugh, how you held my hand – my cracks started mending, I felt like I was becoming better. But then, along came Danny, to remind me that I am in fact still broken._

_The thing is, cupcake – I have to heal myself. You made me realise that, regardless of my past, I deserve a future. I want a future. One that means something to me, to the people I can influence. Maybe, on this route, I will learn how to heal myself. Only then will I be strong enough to love someone else again, and I … well, I hope you know, that I want to be able to._

_Enjoy your travels, Laura. May we meet again._

_Carmilla xx_

A single teardrop fell from the end of my nose, smudging the kisses together. I let out a sigh, releasing all the tension that had built up during my reading and re-reading of the note that had been pushed under our apartment door. I coughed, clearing my throat of emotion, and walked out to find Laf waiting, smiling gently, a large box of churros in their hands, ready to be consumed on the way to the airport.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that is a 'The 100' reference because I am super sad about the-episode-that-must-not-be-named. I am sorry, I couldn't help it.


	10. Italian Interlude

“I can’t _believe_ that it’s already time to leave!” I pouted as I threw my clothes haphazardly into my suitcase, scowling at Laf when they came in laughing at me.

“We’ve been in Italy for 2 months, L. 2 whole months! All I can say is I’m glad it’s October soon, my pale-ness cannot take any more sun cream,”

 

I lay back, unbothered by the fact that I was crumpling most of my clothing, a huge smile on my face. We had been travelling in this beautiful country for 8 glorious weeks, and I didn’t know if I was ready to leave. We had flown to Rome and spent 5 days there before travelling up the coast – the best train ride ever – to Pisa. After the requisite terrible photos and touristy souvenirs, we had hopped across to Florence, then on to Bologna, Padua and Venice. I had put on a traditional clown mask at a stall, and had jumped out at Laf, scaring them so badly that they had fallen straight into a canal. Which was absolutely hilarious, and they couldn’t stop laughing either, once they had been fished out by an unamused gondolier and thoroughly scrubbed themselves at least 4 times with industrial soap. That brought us to our current location of Milan, and it was so overwhelming that I simply didn’t want to leave. We had gazed unhindered at the Duomo, and spent an entire day exploring Castello Sforzesco. Even Laf had been rendered speechless on occasion, something which I wouldn’t stop teasing them about.

 

And now we had to leave. 

 

We were going to Geneva, Laf had said that CERN was the only thing they truly wanted to visit on this trip, and I couldn’t deny them that. Plus, Geneva – land of chocolate! What’s not to love? So we were packing everything up again, ready for the train journey tomorrow morning, and I was reluctant to leave Italy behind, but excited for the new country and the new experiences.

 

_That won’t compare to another certain experience…_

 

“Shut _up,_ ” I told myself forcefully, scrubbing my eyes, trying to physically remove the dark hair and red lips from my mind. I’d heard nothing from Carmilla, nothing at all. I didn’t expect to, what with the letter and its words that had burned themselves into my eyelids, but at the same time, I missed her.

 

The question was, did she miss me? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Reconnection?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware of the shortness of the previous two updates, so thought I'd give you another! As always, I hope you are enjoying it :)

“If you’re sure…”

“L, come on. You wouldn’t understand anything, you’d get frustrated by my intense reactions because you wouldn’t know what I was reacting to or why, and you’d whine the whole time, which would annoy me. Don’t pout, you know it’s true. Go out, find a restaurant, and I’ll be back in time for dinner! Hopefully… you know, unless I accidentally blow something up…”

 

That had been this morning. Laf had point-blank refused to even _entertain_ the notion of me accompanying them to CERN, so they had left me behind in our ludicrously expensive hotel room, watching them leave with a huge backpack filled with unknown substances – “For your own protection, Laura” – whilst muttering feverishly about science and particles and… well, gibberish, really. _They were right, I wouldn’t understand,_ I sighed to myself, lying back on the plush bed. I really wanted to understand science, but it just didn’t click. So here I was, lying on a cloud, snow-capped mountains peeking at me through the window, feeling sorry for myself.

 

_Oh, girl the hell up, Hollis!_

I threw myself forwards, off the bed and onto my feet, letting my balance sort itself out before unzipping my suitcase. _You are in Geneva, you will go out and enjoy yourself! Stop all this moping, you’re an adult, so start acting like one._ I dressed quickly, smarter than I had for Italy, and sorted out my bag, making sure I had all my bits and bobs. A flash of white caught my eye, and I stopped my arranging, reaching out and resting my fingertips on the cold paper in my case. I breathed slowly, a momentary pang of sadness running through me, before I smiled gently and withdrew my fingers.

 

 _‘Enjoy your travels,’_ I whispered to myself, not needing to check the letter to remember her words. My smile grew bigger and I grabbed my bag, double-checking I had everything before walking out of the room and locking the door behind me. Down the stairs, out into the cold air, and into the unknown city.

 

_Enjoy them, I will._

“Wow,” I breathed out, unable to even smile as my eyes greedily drank in the vast expanse of the lake, framed by mountains and made even more stunning by the ginormous fountain that was currently spouting water up to 140 metres high, according to the tourism brochure I was clutching. The light and clouds had combined to cause a rainbow to emerge from this amazing feature, and I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes in sheer awe at this juxtaposition of man-made and natural beauty. I stared at it for a good while until my eyes started pleading for me to blink, so I did, sadly depriving myself of the view. I inhaled deeply, the air cutting my lungs like icicles, mind drifting back to this morning.

 

I had practically marched out of the hotel, along the road, until I had stopped, brought to a halt by the realisation that I had absolutely no idea where I was or where I even wanted to go. So, when in doubt, what do we do? We ask directions.

 

This did not go well.

 

The French are rumoured to be a cold, miserable people as a collective, who absolutely hate the English and all who speak that language. I thought that the Swiss would be different, but they weren’t fighting against the unkind stereotype founded by their same-language counterparts. I was lost, hopelessly, until I stumbled across a café that didn’t have a large crowd of smokers at their door, unlike the others that I had seen.

 

“Bonjour, Mademoiselle, puis-je vous aider ?” A well-dressed and handsome waiter practically bounced up to me, a large smile adorning his face, and despite my grumpy mood, I couldn’t help but return the expression.

“Je suis perdue,” I said quietly, but not unconfidently - my French was a lot better than my Spanish! His smile did not falter, if anything, it got bigger and brighter.

“Ah! English!” He exclaimed, and promptly lead me to a corner table, pulling out the chair for me and then watching me as I sat down, “Would you like a drink? It is cold, and we have some brilliant hot chocolate, if I do say so myself,” he grinned as he saw my eyes light up at the mention of my favourite drink, and he dipped slightly – was that a bow? – before dashing off, presumably to retrieve my drink.

 

Out of the cold, seated and expecting a drink, I allowed my shoulders to drop slightly, releasing the tension that had been created by unkind words and hostile looks. I looked around the café, and realised with a start that it was beautifully quaint. All of the tables and chairs were old wood, oak, I thought, the lights weren’t industrial but were actually fairy lights, and there were framed collages of stained black-and-white photos on every wall. I jumped when a large glass cup appeared suddenly in front of me, attached to the still-beaming waiter. Quickly glancing around, I saw that the café wasn’t busy, so before he could leave, I opened my mouth.

“Would you like to sit?”

He looked surprised, but then smiled – _does he ever stop smiling?_ – and sat down opposite me. I took a sip of my drink, struggling to contain the moan I wanted to release when the decadent liquid hit my tastebuds. His eyes crinkled with amusement; clearly my expression wasn’t very subtle.

“What did you put in it? It’s delicious,” I exclaimed, eagerly taking another gulp.

“Salted caramel,” He said, and I nodded, able to place the taste now that I knew what it was, “So, Mademoiselle, may I ask why you are here?”

I blushed with embarrassment, “Well, I’m lost,”

“I know, you said,” He chuckled, “I meant in Geneva. I will give you a map, so you may find your way, but since you asked me to sit, I thought I would make conversation,”

“Oh! Well, my friend Lafontaine and I have been travelling for a while…” I started, and the waiter - Jean-Luc, I discovered, son of a Genevan father and an English mother -  smiled and gestured and encouraged me throughout the whole tale, only interrupting to ask questions about particular places or people. About an hour later, people started filling up the café, and Jean-Luc shrugged an apology.

“Lunch-time rush,” He made as if to stand up and go, but I grabbed his hand before he could leave.

“Thank you, so much. For making a horrid day better, for disproving my judgements of all Swiss people, and for the hot chocolate – oh, and for the map!” I rambled, and cut myself off when he laughed, not quietly either.

“The pleasure was all mine, Laura. Good luck for the rest of your travels, and don’t forget to send me a postcard!” He kissed my hand, bowed properly, and was off, grinning and greeting and generally being a brilliant waiter. I smiled, looking down at the map in my hand that had the café’s business card stapled to it.

_This will definitely make things easier. Now, where to next?_

It turns out I had ended up on the Route de Chêne, I’m not quite sure how, but at least I knew how to find a way off it. I followed the map to the centre, and then went off-piste into all the chocolate shops in sight – which, if you know Geneva at all, you know is a lot. I tasted and sampled and tested until I felt positively sick, and then wandered past all the clothes shops, clutching my swollen tummy and ooh-ing and aah-ing at all of the ridiculously expensive clothing brands. I’d followed a small cut-through and ended up at the Horloge Fleurie de Genève, and even though I didn’t know a lot about it I could certainly appreciate the fact that it was a huge, functioning, flower clock. I’d wandered past it, through the Jardin Anglais, and found myself on a concrete promenade overlooking the lake.

 

That is how I found myself there, the fountain on my eyelids, ice in my lungs but happiness in my heart. I opened my eyes slowly, squinting slightly until my pupils adjusted to the light, and then glanced down at my watch.

 

_Shoot!_

It was half past 5, and I was meant to be meeting Laf back at the hotel soon. Thankfully, Jean-Luc had starred it for me, so I would always be able to find the hotel, even if I couldn’t find anything else. I turned away from the fountain and the lake, lifting my eyes up to indulge in one last view of the mountains, and promptly dropped my bag of chocolate on the ground.

 

_Carmilla._

 

I could see her, resting on a bench at the end of the promenade. It was a fair distance, but I knew, I knew in my bones, that it was her. She had a hat on, and a scarf wrapped around her shoulders to fight off the glacial air. She had something in her lap, a sketchbook maybe, and her head was raised, like she was gazing over the lake. A sudden rush of panic overwhelmed me and I turned around quickly, praying that she hadn’t seen me. I bent down and picked up the bag, my heart and thoughts racing.

 

_Should I go to her? Would she want to see me? I didn’t seek her out, surely this is what she meant by fate? Of course it’s fate you idiot, you didn’t seek her out did you, and even if you knew she was in Geneva – which you didn’t – how on earth would you have managed to find her? This is clearly the fate she was talking about, so woman up, and go get her!_

I whipped round, ready to call out, to get her attention, to see her smile in surprise, I was more than beyond ready to hear her voice again.

 

What I was not ready for was the sight of an empty bench.

 

Carmilla had gone.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> puis-je vous aider ? - formal way of saying 'Can I help you?' 
> 
> je suis perdue - 'I (female) am lost'


	12. Hey...

“Did you know?!” I burst into the hotel room, causing Laf to fall off the bed in fright. I stood in the doorway, hands on hips, hair wild and eyes glittering with emotion, waiting for them to reappear. Ginger hair emerged from behind the duvet, followed by ginger eyebrows and an utterly confused expression.

“Um, L… what the heck? That literally scared me so much,” they sat gingerly back on the bed, and at their lack of any recognition, my posture deflated and I sank onto the bed next to them.

“Carmilla,” I mumbled.

“No, Laf,” they smiled, but then their face froze when I didn’t look up, “Holy shit! Here? She’s here? You saw her! What happened?”

“I lost her, Laf,” I sniffled, and then let tears of frustration carve hot tracks down my cheeks, “She was there, and I lost her.”

Laf pulled me silently into their arms, hugging me tightly as I emptied myself of emotion, before pushing me back to wipe the stains from my skin.

“Clean yourself up, we’re going to go and eat ourselves happy,” They patted me on the shoulder, encouraging me up and off the bed and into the bathroom. Laf wasn’t particularly good at comforting people when tears of upset were shed, they were perceptive enough to know the reason, but never really knew what to do.

 

One time, I’d missed a goal in the last minute of a match which had lost us the league. I’d been so angry at myself that I had burst into tears in front of my whole team and the coach, but had been silenced when Laf had punched my shoulder and told me to get over it - it was a mistake that loads of people make, especially under pressure.

After my first serious break-up, Laf had turned up with a huge tub of ice-cream and a cheesy horror movie. When the tears had started flowing halfway through, they had looked at me with such a terrified expression that I had stopped crying immediately just so that I could laugh at them. I told them that night that if it was me crying, all they needed to do was hug me and get me out of whatever rut I was in at that moment.

 

So I jumped in the shower, scrubbing my face particularly hard to get rid of any stubborn tear-marks, jumped out, painted a face on and presented myself (clothed, obviously) to a waiting Lafontaine.

“You’ll do,” They grinned, falling off the bed again in an attempt to dodge the wet towel I chucked at them.

“Not cool, L,” they grumbled, getting up and smoothing down their waistcoat.

“Come on,” I sing-songed at them, easily dodging their attempt to hit me back with the offending towel and grabbing my bag before dashing down the stairs.

 

“So she just disappeared?”

“Yep. Poof! Vanished into thin air,” I groaned, shifting in my seat to try and accommodate the large food belly I was now nursing. Laf was in a similar sorry state, we had shared a large pizza, which was our usual order, however - the menu forgot to mention that the ‘large’ was pretty much the size of the table. I had told them the story, the entire day beginning-to-end, and they had nodded their way through it, face contorting into an unhappy expression when they realised Carmilla hadn’t even seen me.  I signaled the waiter, asking for the bill, when a thought slapped me straight across the face.

 

_You can be so selfish, Hollis._

“Are you okay?” I asked, watching Laf’s face for a reaction. Their eyebrows furrowed together before their whole face slumped into an unhappy arrangement.

“I don’t know. If Carmilla’s here, that doesn’t necessarily mean Perry’s here, but… I don’t know, it’s just been radio silence on her end since Venice, and I can’t help but wonder if that means that she met someone else? Maybe that would be better for her, if she met someone _normal_ ,’ their voice twisted bitterly on the last word, and I reached across the table, grabbing their wrist.

“Don’t say that, Laf. You don’t mean that, and I sure as heck won’t sit here listening to you degrade yourself again, especially when I saw with my own eyes how Perry looked at you,” I looked at them, pleading with my eyes, until they lifted their own gaze to meet mine.

“I’m sorry, Laura,” they sighed, body relaxing into a less angry posture, “I know that I’m normal, it just… it all got on top of me again,”

“It’s okay. I’m here,” I gripped their wrist tighter before releasing it and leaning back, letting Laf work through their own problems in the silence that enveloped us.  My own thoughts drifted in the emptiness between us, back to a time where I caught Laf with a razor in their hand and tears gleaming on their cheeks. I had helped them then; I would always help them. Against their parents, against idiots, against anybody who didn’t understand that your body is your body and you can identify yourself in any which way you want. I would always have their back.

“Let’s go,” They broke the silence and we left, arm-in-arm, back into the cold night air.

 

 

“Tell me about CERN,” I turned over in my bed to face Laf, their shadow highlighted by the moonlight seeping through the window. They had been silent ever since we left the restaurant, and I needed them to talk to me, and the only thing that I knew they could talk about for hours on end without getting upset or bored? Science.

“Really? Now?” They croaked, but I could clearly hear the excitement brewing.

“Really. Educate me,” I smiled, suppressing a smirk when I considered the different potential contexts of that phrase. Laf shifted up and down in their bed eagerly, and their grin was visible even in the low light.

“Well in its original phase, its main purpose was to understand the inside of the atom, but nowadays their main area of focus is particle physics. They have 8, maybe 9 - the French was really quick so I probably misunderstood most of it - accelerators, and I saw the world’s largest particle accelerator! It’s basically a 27km ring of superconducting magnets with accelerating structures… never mind I’ll just draw you a picture and colour-code it for you, that’ll be much easier for you,” they tailed off, before bursting out into laughter that I could feel shaking the bed from across the room. I pouted, but grinned at the relief I felt at having my friend back with me in a lighter place. I turned over, punching my pillow into submission and relaxing into the mattress.

“Night, Laf,” I mumbled into the fabric.

“Night, Laura,” echoed back to me. My eyes closed and sleep came quickly to me, but I didn’t miss the ‘thank you’ that was whispered to me under the blanket of drowsiness.

 

 

“Come on, Laura, the taxi is waiting!”

I dashed round the room once more, checking all the nooks and crannies for any forgotten items before following Laf out and down into the foyer. We had spent the following two days post-Carmilla-sighting wandering around the centre, taking a boat across the lake, eating really expensive fondue and going to tourist spots such as the Palais des Nations and the Musée international de la Croix-Rouge. It was a beautiful city, full of amazing history and culture, but…

 

No Carmilla.

 

Thankfully, Laf hadn’t gone back into the dark place inside their head, enabling them to keep me out of my funk as well. I hadn’t expected to see her again, it was a fairly intricately laid-out city, but the sadness I felt when the morning to leave came was overwhelming.

We piled into the taxi, I bagsied the right side so I could watch the lake go by one last time. I would miss it, I had always loved open water and the feeling of freedom that came with it.

“L’aéroport, Mesdemoiselles?” The taxi driver caught my eye in the rear-view mirror, and I smiled, not without a certain amount of melancholia, before nodding and verbally confirming his query. We set off, down a nondescript road full of nondescript people, before pulling onto the road that led past the Jardin Anglais, past the fantastical flowery clock and then over the bridge. The driver came to a halt at the traffic lights positioned just before the bridge, and I looked over at Laf, about to ask them something, when I saw that they were gazing out of the window, clearly deep in thought. Not wanting to interrupt them, I turned my eyes back to my window, and looked out, past the pavement, and saw –

 

“Carmilla?” I gasped, quietly, before shouting, “Carmilla!” I scrambled to unbuckle my seatbelt before frantically throwing open the door, causing the driver to swear madly at me in French whilst he tried to signal a way out of the now-furiously-honking queue of cars. Ignoring his curses and Laf’s pleas I jumped out of the car, running through the grass towards the bench where I was sure that I had seen her. I rounded a large bush and stopped short; the bench was empty.

_No. It was her, you know it was her._

I focused on the uninhabited wood, willing Carmilla to appear, but the air remained stubbornly empty of any physical being. I sobbed once and turned, ready to go back and apologise to Laf and the taxi driver who had probably already driven off in a huff, but my feet had other ideas. The tip of my shoe hit the slight lip of the grass lawn and I fell forwards. I scrunched up my eyes, preparing for a face full of earth, but it didn’t happen. I opened my eyes slowly – I was suspended mid-air, held up by someone’s arms. I glanced up, and my heart faltered. A grin broke my face and I felt my heart start up again at twice its normal pace, sparked by the sight filling my vision.

 

“Hey,” I breathed, slowly standing back so that I was supporting myself, but not removing myself from her touch. I needed a physical reminder that she was actually standing there, in front of me, beautiful as ever, small smile gracing her lips and something else glowing in her eyes. I reached out a hand to her face, cupping her jaw softly before tucking a flyaway lock behind her ear.

 

“Hey,” her soft voice broke me into a thousand pieces and put me back together all at once.


	13. Where are we going?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have stuck with me this far, thank you! This is the penultimate chapter, and there is smut - be warned!  
> As always, I hope you enjoy :)

“LAURA HOLLIS YOU CAN’T JUST GO JUMPING OUT OF TAXIS YOU ARE NOT SUPERWO - oh, hi, Carmilla,” Laf’s furious shouting cut out as they rounded the bush and saw me in Carmilla’s arms. I hadn’t moved away from her, I couldn’t, and thankfully she seemed to be similarly reluctant to let me go. She smiled down at me and then cleared her throat. Slightly disgruntled, I made to step away, but was stopped when her arm snaked round my waist and pulled me back to her side. I melted, and honestly almost purred with satisfaction. Laf’s eyebrows raised to greet their hairline and a shit-eating grin appeared at the sight before them.

“Hello, Lafontaine,” Carmilla said somewhat formally, and Laf snorted once before turning it into a cough at my irritated glare.

“ _Hello_ , Carmilla,” they replied, with no small level of sass. I rolled my eyes, hoping that Carm – _could I still call her that?_ – wouldn’t take offense. To my surprise, she chuckled, muttered something about stubborn gingers, and then walked towards them, pulling me along with her.

“Who’s suitcases are those?” Carmilla squinted towards the road, and I looked where she was pointing, only to groan with embarrassment. The taxi driver had thrown our suitcases onto the grass verge next to the pavement and was in the process of driving off, looking back and throwing filthy French curses at us. Laf had already started picking them up, but in their haste they dropped one of mine again, and the aged zip broke, allowing the contents to spill out onto the ground.

“Umm, L…?” Laf stuttered as they bent to pick up a lacy item of underwear, and then as my cheeks started flushing crimson, they let out a howl of laughter and held up some black lace garters and stockings. My face started hurting it had gone that red; I was absolutely mortified. I ran at them, grabbing the offending items out of their hands and stuffing them back into the suitcase, along with everything else that had fallen out. I used my hair-band to tie the zips together until I sorted a more permanent solution, and then headed back towards Carmilla, eyes lowered, face lobster-red and wishing the ground would swallow me up.

“Would you like to join us for coffee?” Carmilla asked gently, an undertone of amusement playing with her voice but I knew she didn’t mean to be harsh.

“Us?” Laf queried, and Carmilla gestured behind them.

“Us,” A familiar voice joined the equation and Laf turned slowly, to be met with an eyeful of curly vibrant hair and an apologetic smile.

“Hello, Lafontaine,”

“Perry.”

 

“Do you think they’ll sort it out?” I whispered, frantically trying to peek round Carmilla to nosy at the hushed gingers.

“If they want to,” Carmilla reasoned, turning me round and encouraging me to walk further away from the pair. I nodded, following her willingly, before she came to a stop next to the bridge and gazed out over the water.

My breath caught in my throat; I had forgotten how absolutely stunning she was. Her raven locks fluttered in the slight breeze, framing her angular face and her smoky eyes. Her lips were full, and looked even softer than they had in Spain. I traced them with my eyes, before moving up to her nose and then back again to her eyes… which were staring at me, mirth sparkling in them.

“See something you like?” She teased, and the air rushed back into my lungs. Maybe it would all be okay.

“Just… my memories don’t do you justice, that’s all,” I stuttered, and her eyes widened in surprise before her mouth split into a genuine smile at the compliment. She stepped forwards, her lips parting slightly as if to ask a question, but then they closed – along with her eyes. Her guard had come back up, and I felt my stomach drop slightly at the realisation that we still had things to work through.

“Carm…” I whispered, watching her eyes grimace at the familiar name. She sighed, opened her mouth again, but then shook her head.

“Not now. Look,” she exhaled wistfully, and I turned to see Laf kiss Perry passionately, one hand in her hair, the other on her hip, the suitcases forgotten at their feet. I let a wave of relief wash over me and relaxed, the tension in my body dissolving as I realised that my best friend was happy, that they had a real chance to be happy, for a long time to come. My mouth twisted a little bitterly at the thought that I may not get that, but as my friend turned to look at me, eyes gleaming with pride and relief and sheer joy, the bitterness fell away and all I could do was grin back. Carmilla, by my side, mirrored my expression, but both of us could feel the slight air of regret and longing that hung between us.

 

Carmilla and Perry had led us to a café on Rue de la Confédération, a clearly popular establishment called ‘Du Rhône’.

“Bonjour Mesdemoiselles, une table?” A very well-dressed woman, in a suit no less, appeared in front of us almost from thin air.

“Oui, merci,” Carmilla husked, causing the waitress’ eyes to linger appreciatively on her. I growled internally in response, slightly mollified by the obvious lack of interest on Carmilla’s face. Undeterred, the waitress smirked, grabbed four menus and led us to a corner table. Instead of leaving whilst we settled in and made our choice, she hovered next to Carmilla’s seat, even becoming brash enough to lean down and whisper something in her ear. My teeth clenched and my hands became fists, I was overwhelmed with jealousy. Laf noticed and pinched my thigh, bringing me back sharply to reality.

 _She’s not yours, Hollis_.

I slumped, all fight gone out of my body, and stared miserably at the menu.

“May I order for you?” Carmilla’s voice softly broke me out of my cocoon, and I nodded, unable to meet her questioning gaze.

“Deux chocolats, s’il vous plait. Un avec vanille, l’autre avec caramel,” Carmilla smiled with her mouth but not her eyes at the waitress, and Laf quickly ordered for them and Perry, sensing the obvious cause of my discomfort. An awkward silence grew from the waitress’ departure, and Laf made a split-second decision.

“Perry, could you come with me quickly? I’m having a wardrobe malfunction,” they blurted, making eyes at me so that Perry would catch the hidden meaning. She nodded, smiled and got up, following Laf to the bathroom and leaving me and Carmilla alone with the silence.

“Want to tell me what that was about?” Her voice wasn’t angry, but it wasn’t teasing either.

“No,” I mumbled.

“Laura!” A hand slammed down on the table, breaking me out of my self-pitying state and causing me to actually look at her. I looked, and I didn’t understand what I saw. The overall expression on her face was exasperation, but her eyes were dancing with confusion, hurt, sadness, even affection? I stared unabashedly, mouth open, unable to comprehend how one person’s eyes could say so much. Carmilla let me drink her in for a few uninterrupted moments, before clearing her throat.

“I am so sorry. For everything,” I murmured almost inaudibly, still hypnotised by the raw emotions in her eyes, but she heard me. Her hand, still on the table from her earlier angered action, slowly slid across the tablecloth to rest on mine. Her thumb stroked my knuckles, and I watched her argue with herself as her eyes betrayed all of her inner thoughts. The commotion ceased, and I held my breath, worried that she’d withdraw her hand from mine and would not reinitiate any form of contact with me. That she had weighed up the pros and cons and found me wanting.

_You’re not enough, you’re never enough…_

“I understand,” she whispered, and my heart crumbled under the sheer weight of relief I felt. This meant a possibility for a future, for a future with her…

“Thank you,” my eyes expressed my gratitude, and she smiled softly, her smile fluttering when I lifted her hand to my mouth and gently pressed a kiss to the pale skin. I kissed her knuckles, and then softly lowered our hands to the table, keeping them entwined, but loosely, in case she wanted to release me. Her nose twitched and her eyelids jumped, but her fingers stayed interlocked with mine.  

 

The waitress left with her tail between her legs after she delivered the array of hot drinks.

 

 

“So you and Carmilla are okay now?” Laf nudged me with their shoulder, they had hung back to walk with me whilst we tried to find a restaurant. Laf and Perry had come back to the table, heaved audible sighs of relief at the sight of our joined hands and gentle eyes, and promptly started up a detailed discussion of the highlights of countries that they had visited. Time had flown by, I had consumed half of a vanilla hot chocolate and half of a caramel one because Carmilla hadn’t been sure which I would prefer (yes, I slightly melted at that) and had promptly ordered the same thing again, unable to choose between and secretly delighting in something so simple as sharing a drink with her. The clock hands had danced around to half past 6, and my tummy rumbling reminded us that we had in fact not eaten for a while. Carmilla and Perry decided to lead the way, leaving me to catch Laf up on what had happened.

“I think we’re going to be okay, yes,” I smiled, watching the girl who had captured my heart turn to flash me a smile before continuing on the path. I felt something tug in me, and release, like a ball of string that has finally been allowed to unravel after being curled up for too long.

“Don’t forget that we’re leaving, L. I know it’s hard because you just got her back, hell I just got Perry back, but we are leaving tomorrow,” Laf’s sombre voice shadowed my smile, and I shrugged.

“Just have to make the most of tonight, then,” I smiled melancholically, the tug on my heart weighing heavier as my eyes followed the beauty in front of me.

I asked Laf about them and Perry, responding appropriately to the story, laughing out loud when they told me that the reason for Perry’s radio silence was that she had dropped her phone from a cable car and didn’t have Facebook or anything else remotely modern so she had resorted to waiting for ‘Fate’ to happen. Carmilla turned back to us at the sound of my laugh, and the beautiful smile that she sent me eased any worry that I felt in that moment about leaving.

_Live in the moment, Hollis. Live for now._

 

 

“I can’t mooovveeee,” I groaned, resting my hands on my swollen belly. We had stumbled across a hidden crêperie in Plainpalais, and on seeing the large variety of sweet and savoury crepes I had promptly demanded one of each – just to be sure, you know? – which was an error for my waistline and general level of comfort. I had eaten the entire ham and gruyere one, but had been forced to stop halfway through the salted caramel and chocolate one, the amount of sugar and richness overwhelming me and leaving me unable to go on. Carmilla just smirked at me, the unspoken ‘I told you so’ clear in her eyes. Laf and Perry were holding hands, having already cut up their crepes at the start so that they could eat with one hand.

 _Well that doesn’t help the nausea_.

A squeeze on my thigh made me jump, had I said that out loud?! A glance at Carmilla’s face told me that I hadn’t, but that my sentiments were obvious in the wrinkled up expression I was sporting. I giggled quietly, smoothing my face out, and lowered my hand to rest on Carm’s.

“So your flight leaves at 10.15am, tomorrow?” She murmured, her face creasing with distress when I nodded. I moved my thumb to rub over her knuckles, re-enacting the movement that she did for me earlier, hoping it would soothe her as it soothed me. She remained quiet for a few moments, and then she brought her eyes to meet mine, causing a jolt to run straight to my stomach as I saw the intensity swirling in the dark orbs.

“Stay with me?” Her voice cracked on the last syllable, betraying her insecurity and vulnerability. I could only nod, my tongue lay heavy in my mouth and my lips were numb. She ducked her head in thanks, and turned to address Laf and Perry.

 

“So… this is me,” Carmilla’s voice was quiet but confident, unapologetic. Perry had gone to find a hotel with Laf, under explicit instructions to not return to the shared apartment. We would meet them at the airport in the morning. The implication was evident, and Laf and I shared a brief hug before parting ways. I slipped my shoes off, putting my old suitcase and the new one that I had picked up next to them. I looked up, my eyes eagerly taking everything in. It was a small two-bedroomed flat with a kitchen, one bathroom and no sitting room. Carmilla had taken her coat off and walked ahead of me, distracting me with the swing of her hips, and then the smirk of her mouth as she turned and caught me ogling her. She pushed open a door and walked into the darkness, leaving me to follow without hesitation. I gasped; it was painfully obvious that this was her room. The covers were dark, the room was filled with books, and there were posters of the galaxies on every available surface. I watched her sit on her bed and hesitantly turn on a bedside lamp, and realised that she was shy again. I closed her door behind me, watching her shoulders flinch slightly at the unexpected sound. I walked over to her, and instead of sitting on the bed next to her, knelt at her feet, in-between her legs. Her eyes signalled her surprise, but she didn’t speak, clearly understanding that I needed to say something.

“I don’t expect anything to happen. I know I hurt you, and that you’ve been hurt before, and that it will probably take a while for us to be anywhere near intimate mentally or physically again, but I want you to know that I am willing to wait, because I think you are worth it, because I really care about you and because I couldn’t bear to lose you again. Those few months not knowing if you were okay or happy or thinking of me were torture, and I never want to go through that again, so what I’m trying to say is, that for as long as you want me, I’m here. I’m yours,” I brought my ramble to an end, breathing deeply to replace my lost oxygen when I was promptly cut off by a pair of extremely soft lips on mine. My airflow stopped, along with my brain and my heart. Thankfully, my lips remembered their function and began to kiss her back, my hands moving into her gorgeous hair and tugging gently, the slight moan leaving her mouth bringing me back to reality and jump-starting my heart. She pulled back slightly, the sight of her kiss-bruised mouth and hooded eyes going straight to my core, and she murmured ‘Mine,’ against my mouth before claiming me again in a heated kiss, her tongue licking into my mouth and her hands burning trails on my skin.

 _Yours. I am yours_.

 

We ended up on the bed, mouths still attached and shirts discarded, fingertips drawing patterns across bare skin. I was sprawled underneath her, her lips marking my neck and collarbone, her fingers scraping my ribs and my heart couldn’t really take much more.

“Carm,” I groaned, and before I could ask her to do something before I spontaneously combusted or dissolved into the mattress, her nimble fingertips had undone my bra and flung it across the room. “ _Carm_ ,” I gasped as her mouth enveloped my nipple. Her tongue flicked the hardened nub, making me tremble, and then she started sucking. My thighs clenched together, desperately seeking some sort of friction to alleviate the tension as her hand crept up to my other waiting breast and proceeded to ruin me. I didn’t think that I could come from just stimulation on my nipples, but Carmilla was trying her best. Her tongue danced across to the other nipple before giving it equal amounts of attention, her other hand leaving my ribs to roll my nipple through her fingers. I moaned, feeling Carmilla’s grip on my nipple tighten in response.

“Fuck me,” I whispered, and when her smug eyes met mine I knew that she had been waiting for me to beg. I was so far gone, I didn’t care, I needed her in me before I cried from frustration.

“What was that, cupcake?” Her tongue dipped down to the waistline of my trousers and my hips bucked involuntarily, a physical pleading for her to remove my jeans and just take me. She sucked a hickey into my hipbone, her hands gripping my ass harder when I moaned louder. She sat back, looking at me laid out before her, bruised by her mouth and chest heaving, and something snapped.

“Up,” she slapped my backside, my hips lifting in response and before I could even blink I was entirely bare before her heated gaze. Her eyes took me in, from my parted mouth to my puckered nipples to my waiting centre, and all it took for her to lose control was for me to whisper her name. Placing a fingertip directly at my entrance, she entered me slightly before dragging her finger up through my folds. She danced around my clit, not giving me anywhere near enough friction, before descending back down to my entrance and back up again.

“You’re so _wet_ ,” Carmilla groaned, her eyes glazed over. Just her voice made me spill over a little more, something that didn’t go unnoticed. She leant over me, blowing on my clit, making me shudder and jump with tension.

“Ca-!” I started to beg again only to be cut off as she slipped two fingers into me with no warning. “Oh, God,” I whined as her fingers started a brutal pace, only to moan even louder when she added a third finger. I rolled my hips down, meeting her pace, only to lose focus when her fingertips found a spot deep inside me that made me see stars. I gasped, unable to form coherent words, but Carmilla understood and simply picked up her pace, curling her fingers every time so that she hit the spot that turned me to lava. I was burning up and I was going to explode, I felt the tension in my stomach and knew I was going to burst, Carmilla saw the heat in my eyes and smirked before kissing my clit. That pushed me over the edge and I cried out her name, ecstasy rushing through my veins as I came down from my high. But the pleasure didn’t stop, I looked down and saw Carmilla with her head between my legs, her tongue gently caressing my soaked folds. I moaned slightly, and then she picked up the pace again, dipping her tongue into me, drawing figures on my clit and repeating this pattern until I was a trembling mess, writhing under her talented tongue. She grazed my clit with her teeth, and that was all I needed to fall over the edge again, into the warm blanket of oblivion provided by an intense orgasm.

 

“Wow,” I muttered, my bones feather-light and my mind blissfully empty. Carmilla pressed a kiss to my mouth, one I eagerly returned. I wrapped my legs around her waist and managed to flip our positions so that she was underneath me. I let out a giggle at her disgruntled expression, and leaned forward, taking her earlobe into my mouth and sucking it. I felt her hips buck, and knew I had her. I reached down and took hold of her hands, bringing them above her head and holding them there.

“Stay,” I whispered, before leaning back. I hopped off the bed and moved to the bottom of it, unbuttoning her sinfully tight black jeans and peeling them off her legs. She had on a matching set; deep indigo lace that contrasted her pale skin, and it reignited the dormant fire within me. I crawled up her body, not missing the way her breath hitched as I pressed myself against certain areas of her body, and came to rest with my mouth hovering above hers. I could see the vulnerability in her eyes, so I changed my plan. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I sat back on her hips and pulled her up with me, so that we were eye-to-eye. I reached around her back to her bra hook.

“Do you trust me?” I didn’t look away from her, I couldn’t.

“Yes,” The word came hesitantly, but there was no hesitance in her eyes. I slowly unhooked her and pulled the bra out from between us, both of us sighing as our nipples came into contact with each other's. I kissed her, softly, gently, pouring all the emotion that I could into her mouth, letting her know that she was safe. She relaxed under my lips, before laying back, letting herself be vulnerable with me. I knew how much that meant to her, so I promised myself I wouldn’t rush. I started at her face, kissing up her cheekbones and along her jawline, down her neck to her collarbone. I sucked gently, leaving a faint mark, earning a quiet moan. I dragged my mouth down the valley between her breasts and used one hand to massage the right one gently whilst I tongued her erect nipple and kissed the other. She was relaxing more and more, succumbing to the sensations I was awakening in her body, letting out quiet sighs and murmurs, but I kept my slow pace. I lavished attention on her other nipple and then carried on down the flat slopes of her belly, towards her hips. I nipped one on instinct and she moaned, I nipped it again before soothing it with my tongue. I slid further down her body and pressed a kiss to her soaked panties, before looking up, asking permission with my eyes. Carmilla raised her hips and I slowly removed her underwear, the last wall protecting her. I could see the scars adorning her thighs, and I gently spread her legs open before licking along and kissing each individual scar. Had I looked up, I would have seen the tears squeezing themselves out from under her closed eyelids, but I was more focused on loving her skin, on loving her past, on showing her she could be herself around me, that she didn't need to hide. Having kissed each scar, I returned to her centre, quickly checking that she was okay before letting myself taste her.

And she tasted better than ambrosia. Her scent flooded my nostrils and coated my tongue; I licked her slowly and deliberately, strong, flat strokes that started at her entrance and ended at her clit, making her twitch with pleasure each time. I could feel her thighs trembling around my ears and knew she needed more, so I slid one finger into her and sealed my mouth round her clit. She came silently, her stomach and leg muscles clenching with the effort, and I drank all that she gave to me. I kissed her slowly, bringing her down from her high before kissing my way back up my body and curling up next to her. She lifted her arm and I snuggled into her side, drifting my hand up and down her stomach.

“Thank you,” Carmilla murmured, “For making me believe again.”

Her words caused silent tears to run down my own cheeks and I held her tighter, encompassing her with my protection, and that’s how we fell asleep – dried tears on our skin, pleasure in our mouths and wrapped in each other’s bodies.

 

 

I woke up to an incessant beeping and a face-full of Carmilla’s hair. I rolled over, searching blindly for the source of the irritation. I finally found my phone and answered it,

“Hello?”

“Hey L, figured you wouldn’t have set an alarm so this is your wake-up call!”

“Cheers, Laf. See you in a bit,” I hung up, sadness washing over me as I realised I was leaving. Carmilla stirred beside me and rolled over to face me. Unable to bear the thought of leaving her, I leaned forwards and kissed her softly, before straddling her and kissing her harder.

“Hey, hey,” Her hand reached up to cup my face and I realised that I was crying, “It’s okay, Laura. We’ll see each other again soon,”

“Will we?” I snapped, harsher than I meant. Her face fell with hurt at my words and I cursed myself. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that, I just don’t want to leave,” I flopped off her, lying on my side, only relaxing when her arm curled over my body and drew me to her front.

“I don’t want you to leave either, Laura. But I did have something I wanted to ask you,”

I turned over to face her, to be met with a shy, almost sheepish expression. I took her hand in mine, waiting for her to tell me what was on her mind.

“Well you see, since we um… I’ve felt drawn to you since we met, and the fact that we ran into each other again in a world this big has kind of convinced me to not let you go… again. So I was wondering, would you like to travel with me? I was already thinking about deferring this year anyway, so I was going to go travelling, and I would be honoured if you would join me,” Carmilla cut herself off, and I was astonished by the amount of words she had released. But then, the meaning of her words sank in, what she had actually said clicked in my brain and I leapt up, startling her.

“Yes! Yes yes yes yes!” I laughed, unable to contain my joy and fell back onto the smiling beauty, kissing her mouth and her face and everywhere else I could reach. She laughed too, genuinely, making my heart flutter. I leaned my head on her heart and entwined my fingers with hers.

“So, where are we going?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deux chocolats, s’il vous plait. Un avec vanille, l’autre avec caramel - Two hot chocolates please. One with vanilla, the other with caramel.


	14. 5 years later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, the last chapter! I hope it's worth it, and I hope you enjoy it! :) xx

‘Mmmm’, I groaned with contentment as a warm beam of sunshine woke me from my peaceful, dreamless sleep. I shimmied around in the soft mattress, stretching my arms up, squinting as the sunlight danced in my oversensitive eyes.

‘Carm?’ I murmured, not wanting to risk waking the woman up if she was still sleeping – I had had enough grumpy-morning Carmilla to last me a lifetime.

_A lifetime with Carmilla… what a lovely prospect._

Silence blanketed me and I frowned, turning over to realise that her side of the bed was in fact empty. That was unusual, I pretty much always woke before Carmilla. Scrap that, I normally woke with a face-and-mouth-full of her unruly bed hair – “If you tell anyone that I am the little spoon, Laura, I swear I will hide all of your cookies” – so waking up alone to a cold bed was slightly alarming. Maybe she ran off with a local.

_Oh honestly Hollis get over yourself, you’re both grown women and she is capable of waking up before you. Especially when she tired you out so much…_ I smirked to myself, sitting up and taking in the room, sighing with happiness.

 

5 years ago today, Carmilla had asked me to be her girlfriend, officially. I’d squealed with happiness before kissing my answer into her skin, and we’d been happily together ever since. Not without hitches mind you, we’d had moments where we hadn’t spoken for a week because we were so stubborn, and ones where we had shouted so loudly the neighbours called the police because they thought we were murdering each other. Despite the occasional hiccup, we’d made it through, and to celebrate the joy we felt on reaching 5 years together, we had booked a week’s holiday to the Cayman Islands, more specifically – to Grand Cayman itself.

Quite unexpectedly and sadly, Carmilla’s mother passed away in the second year of our relationship, and since her father had already been laid to rest when she was only little, Carmilla inherited an indescribable amount of money and assets. Other people, myself included, would have been tempted to waste it all on insignificant things and to not use it wisely. Carmilla did neither of these things. Instead, she hired someone to tell her what to do with it, and ended up investing very wisely, setting herself up comfortably for life in just the 3 years following the funeral. She had graduated from university with honours, and we moved into an apartment together, Carmilla huffing because I insisted on paying my share of the rent and me huffing because she insisted on replacing my hockey gear. We both picked up jobs, I still played ice hockey with Laf (when they sporadically returned from ‘Paradise’ with Perry) and we bickered like an old married couple. It was heaven. We still travelled, Carmilla not letting me pay for the more expensive resorts and simply saying ‘You can make it up to me later, cutie’, which I was more than happy to do. We went on holiday with my father, Carmilla surprising both of us and instantly wedging herself firmly in my Dad’s heart when she declared her love of fishing and all – well, most - things outdoorsy. I couldn’t have imagined it – 'it' being love, even though she hadn’t said it to me yet (I put it down to Carmilla’s remaining insecurities and tried to not let it distress me too much) – being any better than this. Sure we argued, but we were _human_. That’s what we do. And we sure know how to make it better.

 

A twinge between my legs startled me, and I chuckled, waves of heat washing over me when I remembered last night. We had landed at the Airport Terminal near George Town at about half past 8pm local time, and Carmilla had organised a car to be waiting, which it thankfully was. We were driven… enthusiastically, let’s say, for just under an hour, at which point the driver had screeched to a halt, dramatically announcing our arrival. We had been greeted by a very friendly and welcoming hotel porter, who had shown us to our condo, a beautiful 1 bedroomed place that led directly onto the beach. The sea was visible from our bedroom, but as soon as the door had closed, the only thing on my mind was Carmilla. She had squeezed my thigh during the flight, a little _too_ closely to my core, and I had been burning up ever since. I looked at her, standing next to the door, smirk in her eyes and her lip tucked between her teeth. She knew what she’d done to me, and I was going to return the favour.

 

“Laur…” She didn’t even have time to say my name before I slammed into her, trapping her against the door and melding my lips to hers. I swiped my tongue against her lower lip, revelling in the moan she released and used that opportunity to lick into her mouth, caressing her tongue with my own. Her hands reached up to my hair, massaging my scalp, eliciting soft gasps that she took advantage of to claim my mouth. We stayed like that for a moment, before I realised that I was meant to be teasing her. I reluctantly dragged my mouth away from hers and re-attached it to her jaw, kissing down it to a sensitive point on her neck and sucking it until I knew there would be a mark. _Mine_.

“Laura,” she groaned, rolling her centre down onto my thigh that had mysteriously appeared between her legs. I ignored her, unbuttoning her shirt slowly and dusting kisses across her collarbone, licking her slightly salty skin and whispering words of adoration into her flesh. She pulled me up and looked into my eyes; searching for something, and the mood changed. It became no less passionate, but it became less lust-filled, less hurried. Carmilla swallowed, and then pushed me gently backwards, walking me until my knees hit the bed and I sank down into a cloud. I looked up at her, eyes questioning. She gently lifted my top over my head, smiling gently when she saw the lack of a bra. She tapped my shoulder gently, hinting for me to lie back. Ever so delicately, my trousers and panties were peeled off, and butterfly-light kisses were placed on my ankles. She stood up, motioning me to move to the centre of the bed, and I did, still unsure as to what was happening. I watched her take off her own jeans and skin-tight boxers, core tightening when her familiar skin was revealed anew. She crawled on top of me, hovering above me, leaning down to press a tender kiss to my lips, one that left me breathless and unable to move. She leaned back, looking down at me with something akin to adoration in her eyes, and the purest smile I had ever seen in my life appeared on her face.

“I want to _worship_ you,” Carmilla whispered.

 

And worship me she did.

 

She started with my face, using her fingertips to trace and map out my forehead, my nose, my cheekbones, my jawline. Her lips followed her fingers, brushing against my skin ever so lightly. She touched and kissed my ears, caressed her way down my neck to my collarbone, running her teeth over the bone and making me shiver. She kissed each and every one of my fingertips, both of my wrists and the inners of my elbows. She ran her fingers almost imperceptibly over my breasts, back up my ribs and over my breasts again, but the fluttering of my heart and the goosebumps on my flesh confirmed her touch. Her tongue curved over my erect nipple, making me sigh with pleasure and lift a hand to her hair, not to hurry her, but to convey affection. She remained only a moment, before moving to the other puckered area and running her teeth over it, quickly soothing it with her tongue.

Her hands traced my stomach, drawing patterns into the toned part of my skin, sketching symbols into the more fleshy parts of my hips. She faltered slightly on my hips, becoming absorbed with the way my body twitched and responded to her gripping the protruding bone. She removed her hands from my body, leaving her lips with the task of mapping the rest of my body. She dragged her mouth across my hips, completely ignoring my aching centre, down my thighs, my shins, and kissing my toes. On her way back up, she moved my knees apart slightly and licked the back of my right one, before sucking a bit harder. I writhed, unable to ignore the overwhelming effect of such intense stimulation. I looked down, saw Carmilla looking back at me, and felt my heart swell with affection for the woman. She smiled, gently, softly, conveying her feelings, before turning back to the task at hand.

She blew gently, smirking at the way I flinched away from the cool air on my overheated core. Before I could say anything, her tongue was sliding through me, tasting me from my innermost self. I couldn’t help the soft groan that came out of my mouth, nor the one after it as Carmilla delicately licked me towards the most intense orgasm of my life. A kiss to my quivering clit pushed me over the edge, and I could have sworn that I saw heaven as euphoria flooded my body. She continued slowly running her tongue through my folds, ignoring my more sensitive areas until I was relaxed enough for her to switch back to kissing the swollen bundle of nerves. She slowly slid a finger into me, curled it up, massaging the spongy spot she had claimed as her own, and that was all it took for me to slide into oblivion. Before my eyes closed, I smiled, only then fully understanding the difference between fucking and making love.

 

_Explains why you slept so well, you spoon. She literally knocked you out_.

The thought made me giggle out loud, and the memory stimulated me enough to get out of bed, if only to find Carmilla and return the favour. I padded to the bathroom, brushing my teeth and generally making myself more presentable. Walking back out, my eyebrows furrowed slightly at the empty bedroom. Where was she? I wandered to the window, wanting to appreciate the sea strewn before me, but got distracted. A card was against the door that lead to the beach; I wouldn’t have seen it unless I had come to this part of the room. Bending down to pick it up, I unfolded the white card and started reading.

 

_Good morning beautiful,_

_No, I haven’t run off and eloped with a local, don’t worry. I just didn’t want to wake you; you looked so peaceful. I woke up a while ago, and decided to enjoy the beach instead of potentially waking you up. I’ll be there when you wake up, so come and join me, my love._

_Carmilla xx_

I smiled, she knew me so well. Throwing on some loose trousers and a crop top, I wandered out through the doors and made my way to where I thought she would be. As I got closer, I realised she was standing just at the water’s edge, letting the waves tickle her feet. I’d lost count of the amount of times she’d made me lose my breath. My toe hit a pebble and I squeaked, breaking her peace and causing her to turn to me, a smaller-than-usual smile greeting me. I walked towards her, then stopped in confusion when she lifted her hands up. She shuffle-jogged through the water, arriving in front of me.

“Good morning gorgeous,” She smiled and kissed my frown away. Resting her forehead on mine, her smile grew.

“Morning,” I murmured, closing my eyes and kissing her again. The gentle breeze played with my trousers, bringing a smile to my lips. I opened my eyes to find Carmilla already looking at me – were those nerves in her eyes?

“Do you trust me?” She whispered, tracing my jaw with my hand.

“Of course,” I leaned into her, no doubts at all in my mind.

“Good,” I heard the smile in her voice but the sight of it was removed from me as something covered my eyes. From the silky, smooth feel of it, it was one of Carmilla’s scarves. _Or one of her ties,_ I mused, chastising myself for the instant reaction that came with the image of her tying me up like she had so eagerly in the past. “Just walk,” she said, taking my hand and entwining it with hers before setting off at a pace that my blinded self could keep up with. After about 5 minutes of walking, we came to a stop.

 “I want you to count to 100, then you can take the scarf off, okay? But not before then,” Her voice trembled, and I nodded, reaching out to bring her mouth to mine to kiss the nerves away. She sighed into me and I could feel her relax.

“Okay, go,” She exhaled softly, breaking away from me, and I started counting out loud.

“…97, 98, 99, 100!” I ripped the scarf from my eyes and simply froze, astonished and in awe at the scene in front of me.

 

Rose petals. Hundreds of rose petals, creating a rectangle. And in this rectangle, a drawing in the sand. A drawing of two women, one slightly taller than the other, holding hands. And next to this drawing, some lines of writing. Writing that spelled out:

“Will you marry me?”

 

I couldn’t speak. Feelings rushed me, smothered me, drowned me, leaving me unable to respond in any way. I inhaled sharply, trying to get my breath back, looking at Carmilla. I saw her, on her knees, a small box in her hands and hope in her eyes. I staggered over to her before collapsing in the sand in front of her, still mute, and I watched as the hope in her eyes turned to fear.

“But you… you haven’t even said ‘I love you’ yet,” I gasped. Carmilla’s face remained impassive for a split second and then the fear dissolved entirely, to be replaced by humour.

“Haven’t I?” Her eyebrow quirked. I stared at her, speechless, racking my brain for a sign, a memory, that this glorious woman had told me she loved me.

 

And then it hit me.

 

Of course she had said it. She’d said it in the way she knew that I liked my hot chocolate with 5 marshmallows and slightly below boiling. In the way that she stroked her thumb over my knuckles and kissed my cheek when there was a thunderstorm. In the way that she’d worn a Christmas sweater last year and posed for a holiday photo. In the way that she kissed my skin, in the way that she adored my body. In the way that she kissed the tears away from my cheeks, and in the way that she’d let me kiss the scars on her body.

 

Of course she loved me.

 

Carmilla watched me reach my epiphany with an amused expression, before placing both hands on either side of my face to make me look at her. She smiled, oh, how she smiled. It lit me up brighter than the moon lights up the night.

“Laura Hollis,” her smile only grew, “I love you. Will you marry me?”

 

I matched her grin, before letting a slight smirk come over my face and clearing my throat.

“Si, por supuesto, mi alma gemela,” I enunciated clearly. The surprise on her face made me laugh out loud, and I delighted in the way that she threw back her head and laughed with me, before bringing me in for a lengthy kiss.

 

That day on the beach, Carmilla’s proposal etched in the sand, her kisses burning imprints in my skin and her mother’s ring on my finger, I knew in my bones that happiness was there to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Por supuesto, mi alma gemela - Of course, my soulmate
> 
> If you stuck with me all the way through, thank you so much. I was really nervous about it considering it's my first fanfic ever, but all of your comments and kudos helped me keep going, so thank you.   
> Any thoughts, opinions, let me know!   
> If you think I should stop writing, think I should continue, have an idea of what I could write... again, let me know! 
> 
> Lots of love xxx


End file.
